


When the Bough Breaks - The Pendragon Boys 5

by dragonflyMerri



Series: The Pendragon Boys [5]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Last chapter a bit explicit, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-20
Updated: 2012-05-18
Packaged: 2017-11-03 23:28:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 40,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/387166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonflyMerri/pseuds/dragonflyMerri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>17 year old Jamie and 16 year old Colin watch helplessly as their Pops falls in love with someone else. When the shit hits the fan, the brothers retreat to Aunt Morgana and Uncle Leon's while Arthur and Merlin fight to save their relationship and their family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Suspicions

“…so Mike says back to Ms. Wallace, ‘But what if they were piranha? Then it would be possible that the fish ate my homework!’”

Jamie snorted with laughter and just about choked on his food. Across the table, Merlin grinned at his son. Colin beamed at them both, pleased with the result of his latest story.

“Jaysus, Colin,” Jamie gasped, reaching for his water glass. “How the hell does Mike ever pass in school?”

“I think they pass him just so they don’t have to deal with him for another year,” Colin said thoughtfully and was rewarded with a chuckle from his Pops while Jamie tried desperately not to laugh around the mouthful of water he had just taken.

“Anyway, Ms. Wallace tells Mike – “

Colin was cut off by the ringing of a phone. 

Merlin pulled his mobile from his pocket and answered with a soft “Hi”. Phone tucked against his ear, he walked out of the kitchen. Just as he left, he gave a soft laugh.

The boys watched their father leave.

“What happened to no phone calls during meals?” Colin asked, staring after his father.

Jamie lost his laughter. “Doesn’t apply to him, apparently.”

Colin turned to look at his brother. “What’s the matter?”

Jamie shook his head, then turned back to his food. “I just don’t like Pops talking on the phone like that, all soft and warm.”

“He used to talk to Dad that way.”

The two brothers exchanged a look then resumed their meal in silence, both lost in thought. 

 

Merlin still hadn’t returned to the table by the time they finished their supper. The boys worked together to clear the table and load the dishwasher, leaving Pops’ cold meal on the table. 

They never bothered setting a place for Dad anymore – it was so rare that he was home in time to eat with them.

They walked down the hall together, heading upstairs to their rooms to do homework. As they passed Pops’ office, they heard that laugh again and Jamie tensed. He hated hearing that laugh these days. Upstairs, Jamie went into his room and Colin into his.

 

Jamie was working on his history paper when Colin walked in a while later.

“Hey, you busy?”

Jamie grunted and kept writing, but waved his free hand at the bed. Colin took that as an invitation and flopped down on the bed, scooting up to lean against the headboard.

He watched his brother, waiting for him to take a break. Jamie finished his paragraph, put his pen down, sat back and turned to Colin.

“What’s up?”

Colin chewed his lip. “Something’s going on with Pops.”

Jamie sighed. “Yeah.” He got up and walked over to the bed. Poking his brother to move over, Jamie settled on the bed, his head at the foot of the bed and his feet on his pillow.

“Do you think we should tell Dad?”

Jamie scoffed. “Yeah, like he’d care.”

“So what do we do?”

“I don’t know, Col. I don’t know.”

 

The next day, when the boys got home, no one was home. Supper had been prepped and there was a note from Pops telling them he had to work late with a client and to eat and do their homework, he’d be home later.

“Since when does Papa stay out late with a client?” Colin asked.

“I don’t know,” muttered Jamie.

The two boys exchanged a look, but neither voiced their suspicions. 

 

****

In the next two weeks, Pops ‘worked late’ five more times, each time leaving a note for the boys. One of those nights, when Pops came home, it was obvious that he’d been drinking. 

Jamie watched as his father, wearing a stupid grin, answered his phone almost as soon as he stepped through the door, then walked to his office – giving Jamie only a cursory glance before closing the door.

 

****

The meals that the boys shared with Pops were frequently interrupted by more phone calls. But at least Pops was home with them for the most part. That was more than could be said for Dad. 

The boys occasionally saw Arthur at breakfast, but he rarely came home before 9pm. They’d even lost him on weekends. More often then not, he went in to work on Saturdays ‘for just a few hours’, then didn’t come home until suppertime at the earliest. On Sundays, Arthur slept in – often the whole morning. By the time he got up, the boys were usually out with their friends. Sunday supper was the only meal they ate together as a family anymore.

 

****

A few weeks later, Jamie came home early. His last class of the day had been cancelled. 

Jamie was just about to take off his shoes and call out to Pops when he heard him laugh that special laugh. 

His face tightened with anger. He was sick of that laugh, because Pops only laughed like that with the person on the phone. Then Jamie heard a voice coming from Pop’s office and he stilled. There was a strange voice and Pops was laughing that laugh. 

With dread clenching at this guts, Jamie walked towards Pops’ office. The closer he got the more he hated what he heard. Murmurings and soft laughs, and worse, long pauses. Jamie stopped just outside the office, out of sight but at an angle where he could look inside. And what he saw….what he saw…

A distant part of Jamie’s mind recognized that the man was gorgeous. Latin good looks, dark wavy hair, and beautiful eyes – eyes that were devouring Pops. Jamie watched as the man leaned over Pops while looking at the computer screen. His hands rested on Pops’ shoulders, gently kneading. When he spoke, it was to speak softly in Pops’ ear, lips travelling lightly over the shell of the ear. He heard Pops laugh – the laugh he has only ever laughed when he and Dad have a private moment. Then Pops turned in his chair and the man cupped Pops’ face and Pops doesn’t pull away. The man leaned in closer and closer and Pops’ tilted his head up and closed his eyes….

Jamie turned away from the sight, his vision narrowing to a tunnel of red. Pops was cheating on Dad. Jamie felt the earth fall out from under his feet. Silently he stumbled back down the hall and let himself out of the house. He didn’t want to be there for whatever was going to happen.


	2. A very fine vintage

Jamie didn’t know what to do, who to talk to. Col was still in school. Dad…hell, Dad was probably too busy to take his call. 

Without realizing it, Jamie started running, unaware that he was crying. He had no idea how long he ran for, or how hard, but he finally staggered to a stop, a complete mess. He threw himself down on a nearby bus stop bench, chest heaving, his mind a numb fog of anger and hurt. 

Wiping his eyes, Jamie finally looked around him. He had no idea which direction he’d run, but as he looked, he recognized the neighbourhood. Andrew lived around here somewhere. He’d known Andrew since his first year at school. They’d gone to school and played football together since then. It was as good as any place.

Struggling to his feet, Jamie jogged to Andrew’s house and rang the doorbell. Andrew answered the door.

“Jamie! Hey what are you…” Andrew registered Jamie’s disheveled state and distraught face and opened the door wider, stepping aside to allow Jamie to enter.

“What happened? You look like shit.”

Jamie huffed out a sob-ladened laugh. “Yeah, well that’s what happens when your whole world goes to shit. Can I just…can I just stop here for awhile?”

“Yeah. Absolutely. Mom’s heading to her evening class right after work and Dad’s on the late shift at the hospital today, so I’m on my own. Come on in.” Andrew led him into the living room.

“You look like you need a drink.”

“Thanks, soda if you have it.”

“Nah, You look like you need something a little stronger.”

Jamie was about to say that he didn’t really drink, but nodded instead.

Andrew rooted around in his dad’s liquor cabinet and pulled out a full bottle of vodka. “Score!” Heading to the kitchen, he called to Jamie, “Come on.”

In the kitchen Andrew poured them both a drink of vodka and orange juice. After taking another look at Jamie’s face, he made Jamie’s drink with more vodka then juice. Jamie just about choked on his first sip, but determinedly, methodically drank it down. He held out his glass for a refill.

By the third glass, the two boys were giggling like little girls. Andrew had put a frozen pizza in the oven and despite forgetting about it so it was a bit burned, it was edible, especially when washed down with vodka. They had given up on adding juice, deeming that it destroyed the flavour of a very fine vintage of vodka. Then they laughed themselves silly wondering if vodka even had a vintage.

After the pizza they staggered up the stairs to Andrew’s room to play video games on his computer. When that grew old, they sprawled on the bed talking and finished the bottle of vodka. As they talked, Jamie grew more morose.

“S’why you so sad?” Andrew asked, slumped down next to Jamie.

Jamie sighed. Might as well tell someone. “M’dad’s having an affair.”

Andrew looked at him wide-eyed. “No shit? Which one?”

“Pops.”

“How d’you know?”

“Caught them.”

Andrew let loose with a string of swear words. “I’m sorry man, that really sucks.”

“Yeah,” said Jamie. “It really sucks.”

And then he was crying again.

“Oh, hey, don’t cry man.” Andrew struggled to sit up, clumsily pulling Jamie into a hug. “S’alright, Jamie, shhh, s’alright”

Jamie dropped his head on Andrew’s shoulder, glad to finally have someone to share with, someone who gave a damn about him. Andrew cradled him, rubbing his back and drunkenly muttering nonsensical things, occasionally kissing the top of his head.

“Y’ur a good friend, ‘ndrew” Jamie slurred, then hiccupped. He turned his face up to his friend and patted his cheek, his fingers trailing down to his lips. Andrew opened his mouth and captured Jamie’s fingers, sucking on them. Jamie’s breath hitched and his eyes darkened. Andrew stared back at him.

“M’ gonna kiss you, ‘kay?” he asked.

Andrew nodded and Jamie pulled himself up and into Andrew’s face. It was sloppy and drunken and a little bit brilliant.

 

****

 

The taxi honked its horn and Andrew pressed Jamie up against the front door, giving him one final, sloppy kiss. Jamie giggled through it. 

“Y’ur brill, Jamie,” Andrew grinned at him. “Bess damn sex I ever had.”

Jamie giggled some more. “Only damn sex you ever had, moron.”

“And therefore the best, yeah?” Andrew joined him in giggling.

The taxi honked its horn again.

“Gotta go,” Jamie said, lurching away from the door.

“Sure you got ‘nuff money?”

“Yeah, how much could it cost? I got my money and what you gave me.”

Andrew tapped him on the cheek. “Thank you for coming over. I enjoyed your visit,” he said in drunken seriousness.

Jamie burst out laughing. “Pleasure was all mine. Oh no, wait…it was yours too.” The boys giggled some more.

Andrew held a finger up to his lips. “…member, don’t tell anyone. Our secret, right?”

Jamie mimed zipping his lips. “Our secret.”

The taxi honked once again.

“Gotta go now. Thanks ‘ndrew. You’re a good mate.”

Jamie staggered out to the taxi, got in and gave his home address. As he leaned back against the seat, he grinned. He felt fucking fabulous. The dad’s had lied about sex. Making out like it was some sacred thing that they should save themselves for. Hell, him and Andrew, that had just happened, just like that. Jamie tried to snap his fingers but couldn’t get them to quite work right.

The dads were liars. Lying liars who lied. Sex was fucking fabulous.


	3. All fall down

It took three tries for Jamie to get his key in the lock and open the door. Standing on one leg he tried to toe off his shoe but overbalanced and fell into the wall.

“Fuck!”

Pushing himself off the wall, he tried again.

“Jamie! Where the hell have you been?” Arthur’s voice was frantic with worry.

Jamie looked up and frowned at his dads. Very cool. There were _two _Dads and _two _Pops.____

“Hell–oooo Daddy dear. ‘cided to cum home, hmmm?” Jamie slurred and promptly fell back against the wall. “Fucking hell.”

Arthur sucked in a breath and grabbed his son by the shirt front, hauling him upright.

“Oi! Easy with the chest hairs! ‘M tryin’ to grow those!”

“You’re drunk!”

“Should fucking well hope so after the crap I drank.”

Holding his son by the shirt front, Arthur half dragged half shoved him towards the kitchen.

“Merlin, make coffee,” Arthur barked.

“None for me thanks,” Jamie said then hiccupped for effect.

Arthur threw his son into a chair and leaned in his face. “Do you have any idea what time it is? Where the hell were you? We’ve been worried sick over you!”

Jamie slouched down in the chair. “Bullshit. You prob-ly dinnit even miss me.”

“Where were you Jamie?” Arthur was angry now.

“Should think is oblivious – obnivious – obbibbi – ah fuck it – I was out getting as fucking drunk as I could. Thass where I was.”

Arthur pulled out a chair and sat facing his son. “Where did you get the booze?”

Jamie smiled a giant sloppy grin. “I have the best friends, Dad. Really top-notch. But crap booze. Not a very fine vintage at all. Worked though, dinnit?”

“What the hell were you thinking, disappearing like that and coming home drunk?”

“Thinkin’?? I was thinkin’ that I wanted to get drunk. Jeez Dad, not too sharp on the uptake – “

“Damn it Jamie, you’re 17 years old! You know better than this. It’s 10:30 at night. We had no idea where you were. You didn’t answer your phone, none of your friends knew where you were, we were worried sick!”

“Well, you don’t have to worry no more 'cause – taa daa - here I am.” 

Jamie laughed and flung his head back against the chair back, exposing his neck and the bruises that Andrew had sucked into his neck.

“Jesus Christ!” Arthur grabbed Jamie’s jaw and pulled down his collar, exposing more marks. “Who did this to you?”

Jamie reached up and patted his neck, feeling the bruises. “Oh that. Yeah, kinda got carried away. But felt neat, though.”

“Jamie,” Arthur demanded through gritted teeth, “Who did this to you?”

Jamie frowned at him. “Don’t get your panties in a wad, Dad. It was entirely mutual. And a lovely time was had by all.”

Jamie hitched himself up in the chair and leaned in towards his Dad “Hey Dad,” he whispered drunkenly. “Sex is kinda awesome, innit? I should’a tried it loooong time ago.”

“You had sex?” 

“You bet ur socks I did. And I was fuckin’ brilliant at it.”

Arthur tried to speak calmly. “Jamie, who was your partner?”

Jamie held up a finger to his lips. “Shhhh! Mustn’t tell. S’ secret.”

“Did you at least practice safe sex?”

At Jamie’s look of confusion, Arthur asked, “Did you use a condom?”

Jamie just laughed.

“Jamie, you know better than that,” Merlin broke in. “We taught you about safe sex.”

Jamie abruptly stopped laughing. He sneered at Merlin. “Oh yeah? Well did you use a condom _Father _? Did you practice safe sex?”__

Merlin stared back at him, confused. “What?”

“When you screwed that man today – did you use a condom?”

Merlin’s face lost all colour. Arthur stared at Jamie in confusion “What are you talking about?”

Jamie surged out of the chair and grabbed the counter to hold his balance. His anger was sobering him up. He faced his two shocked parents.

“Maybe if you bothered coming home anymore Dad, you would know that Pops here is screwing around on you!”

Jamie turned to face Merlin.

“Oh don’t look so stunned Pops, I saw you – I fucking saw you and that man. I saw the way he had his hands all over you. I saw the way you looked at him. I saw you kiss him.”

“Merlin, what the hell is he talking about?” Arthur’s voice was faint as he turned towards his partner. Merlin looks so guilty that it staggered Arthur.

“Pops is having an affair, Dad. But if you ever fucking bothered to come home anymore, you would know that. You would have heard the phone calls. You would have noticed all the times Pops never came home for supper because he was over at his lover’s house. But you don’t come home anymore so what the hell Dad. Why the surprise?”

Both parents turned to face their son. Jamie was crying.

“You never come home anymore until its late Dad, and you go to work on the weekends. What the fuck is so important at work that you’d leave us? Me and Col, we’ve only got one dad now. But apparently, now we don’t even have you, Pops. You’re not just screwing around on Dad, you’re screwing around on me and Col too. 

“You want to know why I got drunk tonight? Because I don’t have my parents anymore. Because me and Col, we’re on our own now. One of you doesn’t want us anymore, doesn’t want to be part of this family, and the other one just threw us away so he could go screw his new lover.”

Jamie scrubbed his eyes, trying to wipe away the tears. “This family is falling apart and neither of you gives a fuck about it or about me and Col.

“Well guess what? We don’t need you either. Me and Col, we’ll take care of each other. So you, Dad,” Jamie pointed at Arthur. “You go do whatever is that's more important than your family, and you,” Jamie pointed at Merlin, “you go off and screw your lover. Me and Col, we’ll be each other’s family.”

Jamie staggered out of the kitchen leaving his dazed parents behind.

 

In the hallway, he practically fell over Colin sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. Colin looked as shell-shocked as the fathers.

“Fuck Col, how long have you been here?” Jamie leaned down and dragged his brother up. Colin looked at him, devastation written all over his face.

Jamie shoved Colin up the stairs and stumbled up after him. He pushed Colin into his room and shut the door behind them.

“How much did you hear?”

“All of it,” whispered Colin. “Papa’s having an affair?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re sure?”

“I saw him, Col. I saw him kiss the guy. And I could tell it wasn’t the first time.”

Colin climbed on his bed and grabbed Dragon, pulling the stuffed dragon in tight to his chest. “What do we do, Jamie?”

Jamie climbed on the bed to sit next to his brother. “I don’t know.”

Jamie felt his brother trembling and heard the hitched breath of his silent tears. Reaching out, he wrapped his arms around his brother. “Whatever happens, Col, I’ll take care of you. I’ll never let anything happen to you, I promise.”

Together, the brothers held each other, while down below, they heard their parents fighting. 

When they heard the front door slam, Colin started crying noisily. Jamie pulled him in tight, his own tears soaking into Colin’s hair. It was a long time before they finally fell into an exhausted sleep, still holding on to each other. 

 

****

 

A few hours later, Jamie woke up and rushed to the bathroom, reaching it just in time to be violently sick. Colin followed him in and sat with him, rubbing his back while he puked his brains out. In between bouts of vomiting, Colin wiped his face with a cool face cloth and gave him water to drink.

They both noticed that for the first time in their lives, no parent has come in see to a sick son.

 

****

 

The next morning, the boys dressed and left the house without breakfast. They never saw either father and had no idea which one had left. 

By unspoken consent, they didn’t go to school, both too stunned to do so. Turning in the opposite direction, they walk around for hours. They stopped at a diner, bought tea and shared a plate of toast. Then they walked some more. They walked mostly in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Occasionally one would make a comment, hazard a guess at which parent had left. 

Finally, both worn out, they made their way to a sanctuary that they knew would always welcome them. They headed to Aunt Morgana’s house. 

 

****

In his bedroom, Merlin heard the boys wake up and leave the house, but he lay numb, with no energy to leave the room. He listened as the boys left. 

Hours later, he turned on his phone and texted Lance that he was unavailable until further notice. Then he put a block on Lance’s phone number. 

Finally dragging himself out of bed, he wandered around the house, aware that his life was falling down around him. In the living room, he curled up on the couch and let his tears fall.

TBC


	4. Refuge

Morgana opened the door to two destroyed boys. 

“Jamie, Colin. Why aren’t - ”

She stopped talking, took one look at their faces and stepped back, ushering them in the house. Then she pulled them both into a fierce hug. She felt the strength of their arms as they hugged her back, clinging tightly.

“Aunty Morgs, can we stay with you for awhile. Please?” Jamie’s voice was broken and muffled in her neck.

“Of course, sweetheart. Hang up your coats and come on in.”

Morgana led them to the living room and noticed how they sat on the couch, glued together, expressions dull with pain.

“I think a nice hot cup of tea would be good, right?”

The boys nodded and she headed into the kitchen to prepare it. She listened but didn’t hear any talking. When she returned with the tray, the boys hadn’t moved. Setting the tray on the coffee table, she prepared the boys a mug just as they each liked it. She put a plate of store bought biscuits in front of them.

In tandem the boys reached for their tea and took a sip. Jamie finally leaned back and Colin followed suit.

“What happened, boys?” Morgana asked softly.

“Papa’s having an affair,” Colin said quietly.

“Someone left us and we don’t know who,” said Jamie.

Morgana swallowed down a gasp of shock. “Maybe you better start from the beginning.”

Jamie told her what had happened and Morgana had to school herself not to react. The story he told of a family falling apart while the boys watched helplessly, tore her apart. As Jamie’s voice drifted to a close, she felt as rocked as they looked.

What the hell was going on in that house? Arthur and Merlin had one of the most stable relationships of anyone she knew. But apparently, according to Jamie, it had been falling apart for some time. Her idiot brother had turned into an over-achieving workaholic, and Merlin – Merlin, for gods sake – was having an affair. How had she not seen, how had she not noticed anything wrong in all the times she and Leon had been over visiting?

“We don’t even know who left, Aunty Morgs,” said Colin, a silent tear slipping down his cheek. “We don’t know if we still have our Dad or our Papa.”

Jamie gave an ugly laugh. “We haven’t had Dad for a long time, Col.”

“But he was there last night. He came home when you went missing.”

“Jamie! You went missing?” Morgana turned a worried gaze on her oldest nephew. He hadn’t mentioned that part in his tale.

“I was at a friend’s house. After seeing Pops and that man, I didn’t want to come home and face Pops. I didn’t know Dad would come home. Hell, he’s never home now, why would he come home last night?”

“He came home because Papa called him when he couldn’t find you.”

Jamie snorted in disbelief and turned his head away. That’s when Morgana noticed the marks on his neck.

“Good god, Jamie. What the hell have you been doing?”

When Jamie turned back to look at her, puzzled, Colin pointed to his neck. Jamie blushed and tucked his head down to hide the marks.

“Um, I, uh…might of got carried away and - ”

“He had sex.”

Morgana’s eyes widened at the news. “Were you protected?”

Jamie blushed even harder. “It wasn’t like it was planned…”

“James Arthur Pendragon!” Morgana’s eyes flashed as she glared at her nephew. “I know for a fact that your fathers drilled safe sex into the both of you. How could you do something so stupid?”

Jamie reared up in full Pendragon temper to match his aunt’s. “Jesus Christ, Aunty Morgs! Our whole world is falling apart and you’re freaking out about me having sex? It wasn’t even….we didn’t…I was safe, OK? If you want to freak out about sex, how about asking Pops if he’s protected? If he’s practicing safe sex with the guy he’s fucking?!”

“Jamie!!” Gasped Colin, horrified that his brother would talk to Aunty Morgs that way.

Morgana narrowed her eyes and glowered at Jamie. “I will forgive you this one time, James. But you will never use language like that again in this house. Do I make myself clear?”

Jamie backed down and nodded in submission.

“We’ll talk about your ‘experience’ later, in private. But you’re right. I do need to talk to your fathers, both of them. I’ll let them know you’re here. If it’s as bad as you say, I think you boys should stay here for the weekend.”

At the grateful looks both boys gave her, Morgana knew it was the right decision.

“I’ll get your Uncle Leon to stop by the house and pick up some clothes and supplies for you. You can use the computer in the den. Make a list of what you want from the house and email the list to Uncle Leon. I’ll make some lunch while you do that. Then I think you should both get some rest, you look exhausted.

The boys stood and headed to the den to make their list. Morgana phoned Leon at work. While she made lunch for the boys, she filled him in on what was happening. Leon promised to leave work early and go straight to Arthur and Merlin’s house to collect the boys belongings. 

The boys ate their soup and sandwiches and didn’t argue when Morgana sent them up to the spare rooms to sleep. As soon as they were upstairs, she called the house. The phone was picked up on the 10th ring. It was Merlin.

“Hello Morgana.” His voice was as defeated as she’d ever heard it.

“Merlin. The boys are here. They came by this morning. They told me what happened.” Morgana heard a choked sob. “Leon and I will keep the boys for the weekend to give you and Arthur time to work through this.”

“Thank you.”

“Leon’s coming by to pick up some supplies for the boys. He has a list.”

“Yeah, okay. He can get whatever they want.”

“Merlin. We love you, okay? No matter what happened, we love you.” Morgana heard Merlin crying on the other end of the phone. “You and Arthur work this out. You have two sons who love you both very much. Leon and I will be here for the boys. You just concentrate on you and Arthur.”

“I don’t know where he is, Morgana. He walked out and I don’t know where he is.”

Morgana silently cursed her brother ten ways to Sunday.

“Look, I’ll call around. I’ll find him for you. And I’ll send him home. Then it’s up to you to fix this.”

There was silence on the other end of the line.

“Merlin? You do want to fix this, don’t you?”

Morgana heard Merlin gulp. “I don’t know if it can be fixed. We’ve been broken for so long now.”

“Do you still love him? Love Arthur?”

“I never stopped loving him. But I think he stopped loving me a long time ago.”

Morgana was going to break her idiotic brother’s neck!

“You and Arthur are a team, Merlin. It’s always been you and Arthur for each other. You need to talk to him. I’m sure you’re wrong. Arthur has never loved anyone else like he loves you.”

Merlin was crying again.

“I’ll find him and I’ll send him home to you, Merlin.”

“Th-thanks, Morgana. And tell the boys I love them. And I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about the boys. Leon and I will take good care of them and give them plenty of love until they come home. You just concentrate on you and Arthur.”

After Morgana hung up from Merlin, she called around to Arthur’s usual haunts. He hadn’t shown up for work, and none of his friends had seen him. Morgana thought about it for a few minutes and then played a hunch. When Arthur was younger, before he had met Merlin, he had one bolt-hole that he would go to, to escape their father.  
Morgana dialed the number of a small, boutique hotel.

“Yes, can you tell me if Mr. Barry King has checked in?” She enquired, using the alias that Arthur used to hide from his father. “He has. Wonderful, and I’m assuming he has room 305 as usual? 207! Thank you so much.”

Morgana went up to check on the boys. She wasn't surprised to find them both in one room, Jamie curled protectively around his younger brother, both of them asleep. She smiled softly at the sight. Jamie had been Colin’s protector since he was old enough to walk. 

Closing the bedroom door quietly, she went back to the kitchen and wrote them a note, explaining that she had to go out but would be back soon, and so would Uncle Leon. Then she got in the car and headed to her brother.


	5. Arthur

Morgana walked though the hotel lobby like she owned the place. The desk staff looked up to stop her but let her pass after she glanced their way, one eyebrow raised in a haughty dare. When she reached room 207, she started hammering on the door.

“Let me in Arthur. I know you’re there. I’ll keep making a racket until the hotel management comes and throws you out. Arthur - ”

The door opened and Arthur walked back to look out the window, keeping his back to her.

Morgana closed the door and perched on the bed. She studied the lines of her brother’s back - saw the tension, saw the defiance, saw the defeat. 

“I have your boys at my house. Leon and I are keeping them for the weekend to give you and Merlin time and space to work this out.”

Arthur nodded but didn’t say anything.

“Jamie told me what happened last night.” She saw Arthur’s shoulders tighten.

“They’re worried. They don’t know which father left or if he left for good.”

Arthur didn’t react. 

Morgana frowned. Arthur had retreated into himself like he used to do as a teen, whenever he wanted to escape another horrendous fight with their father. She needed to shake him out of it – he couldn’t do this now. This wasn’t just him anymore – he had a family to consider.

“Merlin’s having an affair,” she stated blandly.

She saw the shudder that went through him.

“Jamie said he brought the man to your house.”

She saw his jaw clench.

“They probably had sex in your bed.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Arthur whirled around, his face enraged.

Morgana stood. “That’s better. You’re hiding here, Arthur. You can’t do that anymore. You’re not 19 anymore.”

Morgana stepped closer to her brother. “Your life is falling apart, Arthur. You need to face this. Something really bad has happened and you need to face this.”

Arthur’s face remained impassive, held together by his clenched teeth, but his body started trembling.

“Merlin cheated on you, Arthur. He took another man to his bed.”

Arthur was shaking now, with the effort of holding himself together.

“Merlin betrayed you, Arthur. He betrayed your love. He doesn’t want you anymore.”

Arthur broke with a gasping cry of pain.

Morgana rushed to him and caught him as he crumpled. They both collapsed in a heap and Morgana crushed him to her as Arthur cried in great wretched, tearing sobs. She pressed his face into her shoulder and let him wail his heartbreak.

“It’s okay, Panda bear, it’s okay to cry Panda bear,” she crooned, comforting him as she had done when he was a little child and been rejected once again by Uther. She rocked him and stroked him and held him tightly and gave him permission to fall apart. She was the only one to call him Panda bear and always in private. Even Merlin didn’t know this private name.

Arthur clung to her. His sister was the only person who ever saw him like this. The only one he trusted enough to hold him together while he fell apart. She had held him together when he was six, when he was 19 and now.

Morgana kissed his hair, rubbed his back and repeatedly assured him. “It’s okay to cry Panda bear. You’re safe. It’s okay to cry.”

Even when his tears finally slowed, Arthur stayed in her embrace. Morgana’s hold never faltered, never loosened. She held him together when he couldn’t do it himself.

“I’ve lost him,” Arthur whispered brokenly and pressed his face deeper into her neck. “I’ve lost him.”

“He’s still here, Panda. He hasn’t left you.”

“He chose someone else.” A defeated sob tore out of him. 

“No, he’s chosen you. He stayed. He’s waiting for you to come home.”

“I can’t go home, I can’t face him.”

“Yes you can. You love him, Panda. And you need to fight for him.”

“He doesn’t want me anymore.” A shudder when through him.

“He’s still here, Panda. He’s waiting for you. If he didn’t want you, he would be gone. But he’s not. He’s waiting for you. You have to go home to your Merlin.”

“He’s not mine anymore.”

“Then get him back.”

Arthur pulled out of her arms and swiped at his eyes. Morgana reached for the tissue box on the table and passed it to him. While he blew his nose and wiped his face, Morgana kept contact with him by rubbing his leg.

Arthur looked at her with tormented eyes. “How could I have let this happen? Why didn’t I see this happening?”

The storm had passed. Morgana resumed their adult relationship. 

“Why are you hiding at work?”

“I’m not. I’m not hiding, I -”

“You’re not coming home anymore. You’ve left him, Arthur.”

“No!”

“Yes. This happened right under your nose and you didn’t even know. Your teenage sons saw it happening. They knew.”

“They never said - ”

“When are you around for them to talk to? They feel abandoned by you, Arthur. Imagine how Merlin must feel.”

Arthur dropped his head. “That’s no excuse,” he muttered.

“No, it’s no excuse. So you need to go back to Merlin and talk to him. You need to find out what happened, and how to fix it.”

Arthur looked at her bleakly. “How do you fix adultery?”

“With a lot of understanding and forgiveness.”

Arthur laughed mockingly. “Forgiveness. But how do you forget?”

Morgana shook her head. “You don’t forget. You choose not to remember.”

“I can’t….I can’t be understanding and forgiving. What about the anger, the hurt, the betrayal?"

“You go through that with Merlin. You work through that together. And you yell and rage and accuse and do whatever you need to do to fight through this. If you want to keep Merlin, you fight for him, Arthur. And if that means you fight _with _him, then that’s what you’ll do.”__

Arthur took a deep, sustaining breath. He squared his shoulders. Then he stood and helped his sister up. He pulled her into a fierce hug.

“Thank you for coming. For finding me yet again.”

Morgana hugged him back just as intensely.

“I’ll always come to you, Panda bear. Always.”

They broke apart and Arthur stepped into the bathroom to clean himself up. Morgana gathered the few personal odds and sods scattered around the room.

Before leaving the room, Arthur looked at her once last time for reassurance.

Morgana stroked his fringe off his face.

“Go fight for your man, Arthur.

 

****

 

For two days the house is a war zone of accusations, tears, anger, blame, betrayal and rejection.


	6. Snapshots of a Marriage unravelling 1

**FRIDAY**

**3:30pm ******

Merlin was huddled up on the couch with a cup of cold tea when the front door opened and Arthur walked in. Arthur stopped at the entrance to the livingroom. He looked completely destroyed and seeing him, Merlin wonders idly if he looks as bad as Arthur does. Arthur swayed, leaned against the doorjam and slid down to the floor. The two men stared at each other silently, neither knowing what to say and both knowing there was so much that needed to be said.

After a long silence, Arthur sighed.

“Do you love him?” he asked brokenly.

“No.”

The silence stretched further.

“Then why?” Arthur sounds so lost.

Merlin dropped his head. Why. There were reasons, causes, opportunities. Which one was the final straw?

“I just… needed someone.”

“You have me. You have the boys, our life together.”

Merlin shook his head.

“I don’t have you. We don’t have a life, not anymore. You haven’t been part of this family for a long time.”

“What are you talking about?”

Merlin looked at him.

“You’ve checked out of this family, Arthur. I know it and the boys know it.”

“And that’s the excuse you’re using?”

“Not an excuse. Just stating a fact.”

“I haven’t check out of the family.”

“You’re never home.”

“I’m busy, Merlin. I work. And sometimes I have to work overtime – “

“For months on end? You’ve been working nights and weekends for months. We never see you anymore.”

“So you took up with this man? Because I’m working more? That makes this okay?”

“No, it doesn’t make it okay. Nothing makes it okay. But I suppose it’s part of the reason.”

“Only part?”

Merlin dropped his head back against the couch.

“I just needed someone and Lance was there.”

“So what? You destroy our family for a fuck?”

“I didn’t destroy this family, Arthur. It was already falling apart. You’re the only one who didn’t notice because you’re never here to notice anything.”

“That’s not true.”

Merlin turned to look at him.

“Then how is it you haven’t noticed that I’ve been sleeping with someone else for five weeks?”

Arthur was staggered. “Five weeks?”

Merlin laughed bitterly.

“I sleep in your bed. I’ve come to bed smelling of him. I’ve come to bed half drunk on the wine we shared. I’ve come to bed _marked _by him. And you never once noticed. Not once, Arthur. Hell, even Jamie noticed. But you never did. That’s how much I matter to you now.”__

“You have always mattered to me!”

“No, not anymore.”

Arthur closed his eyes against the pain.

 

****

 

**6:30pm ******

 

“You’re never home, Arthur. Jamie’s right – what’s so damn important at work that you’ve abandoned us? You have no idea what’s going on in the boy’s lives.”

“That’s not true.”

“Really? Then tell me Arthur – will you come to Jamie’s play-off game? They’re in the quarter-finals, but it’s a Saturday. When was the last time you took a Saturday off?”

“Of course I’ll be there. I’ll take the day off.

Merlin gave a bitter laugh. “The play-off was two weeks ago, Arthur. Jamie asked you three times if you would come and you promised him you would. But you never showed up – just like all the other games you’ve missed. It was two-weeks ago, Arthur and you didn’t remember then, and you don’t even remember now. You would have been proud of him. He was named first all-star. I know he didn’t tell you because he was so hurt you never showed up.

“Colin’s been named Art Director for the school play. He outright asked me not to tell you because, in his words, ‘Dad won’t care and he won’t show up for the play, so why bother telling him.’ Your son’s words, Arthur. Now tell me, what’s so damn important at work that it’s more important than the lives of your children?”

 

****

**9:30pm ******

“You want him? Then go to him! Leave us and go to him!” Arthur screamed at Merlin.

“I don’t fucking want him!” Merlin yelled back. “If I wanted him I would have walked out on you weeks ago!”

“But you’re still running back to him. You’re still fucking him!”

“Well you sure as hell aren’t fucking me! You haven’t touched me for weeks.”

“Oh no, Merlin, don’t you dare make this about me! This has nothing to do with me, this was you – all you. You chose this! You _chose _this!”__

“Yes I damn well chose it! I chose it because it was the only choice! What other choice did I have, Arthur? What choice did you give me? To be with you – forgotten and untouched unless you wanted a quick fuck just to get your rocks off? You didn’t give me a choice, Arthur! You were never a choice.”

‘You could have chosen to stay with the man you married!” Arthur roared.

“What for? _What for? _What are you giving me, Arthur? Why the hell should I stay with you when you so obviously don’t want me?”__

“I’m not the one that cast you aside for someone else!”

“Yes you did – you did cast me aside! And not for someone else, for nothing! You cast me aside for nothing, You left me with nothing.”

“This is _your _doing, Merlin! Not mine. You were unfaithful!”__

“And you gave up.”

“I did not give up!! I stayed faithful. I stayed in this marriage."

“This isn’t a marriage!! This hasn’t been a marriage for nearly a year! And you sure as hell have not been my husband.”

Arthur held his ring hand up. “This says I’m your husband. This says we have a marriage.”

“That’s a meaningless symbol of a dead marriage. A marriage is more than a ring, only, you seem to have forgotten that.

“This ring says that I stay faithful to you, Merlin. You wear a ring too-”

Merlin gave a harsh laugh and held up his hand. “I haven’t worn my ring for four weeks, Arthur. And you never once noticed. Now tell me again that this marriage isn’t dead.”

Arthur stared helplessly at Merlin’s naked finger and a terrible sadness settled over him like a cloak. He looked at Merlin’s face and saw him staring defiantly back at him.

“This marriage is over, Arthur. But it’s not over because of Lance. It’s over because of you.”

Merlin turned and walked out.


	7. Jamie and Colin - Friday

Leon was sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper when Jamie entered after his nap, rubbing his hair.

Leon looked up and grinned. “You look like something the dog dragged in.”

Jamie scowled, then rubbed his hair with both hands making it look even worse. One side of his face was reddened creased from his pillow, and his clothes were rumpled.

“Hi Uncle Leon. Can I have a soda?”

Leon nodded towards the fridge. “Help yourself.”

Jamie rummaged around in the fridge and emerged with his favourite orange soda. He got a glass and then joined Leon at the breakfast bar.

“Aunty Morgs told you why we’re here?” he asked as he poured the drink into the glass.

“Yeah, she did. I’m sorry Jamie.”

“Yeah, it sucks.”

“Colin still sleeping?”

Jamie nodded.

“How are you holding up?”

Jamie shrugged. “I just wish we knew who left. We don’t even know if Dad’s at home or Pops.”

Leon grabbed the note that Morgana left and handed it to Jamie. “Your Pops is at home. Aunty Morgs has gone to find your Dad.”

Jamie huffed a disparaging laugh. “Well, guess it figures that Dad would walk away.”

Leon frowned. “What do you mean by that?”

“He’s never home anyway. Seems to find every excuse to not come home. Makes sense that he’d take this chance to bail on us.”

Leon cringed at the bitterness in Jamie’s tone.

“I’m sure he hasn’t bailed on you. He probably just needed some space.”

“Space! He’s always gone to ‘space’. It would be nice if just once in awhile he actually hung around with us.”

“Jamie. This is an extraordinary situation. You can’t blame your Dad for needing some - ”

“It’s because he’s never here that this happened!” Jamie stormed. “If Dad had been home, if he actually gave a damn about us, about Pops, Pops wouldn’t have done this. He wouldn’t have needed to find someone else if Dad gave a damn!”

“Jamie,” Leon reached out and held Jamie’s arm. “Your Dad loves you, Jamie – all of you. I don’t know what’s going on that’s got him staying at work so much, but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that your Dad loves you all very much.”

Jamie looked at his Uncle Leon and the sorrow in his eyes took Leon’s breath away. “Maybe you should remind him of that, because he seems to have forgotten it.”

Jamie slid off the stool. “Did you get our stuff?”

“There’s a suitcase in the hallway. I put both your things in the same case.”

“Thanks Uncle Leon. I’ll take it up to our room.”

Jamie grabbed the suitcase and took it up to the bedroom he and Colin were sharing. Being as quiet as he could, he opened the case and began sorting the items, setting the clothing aside from their electronics, homework, Colin’s art pad and pencils, and – this. Jamie picked up Dragon, Colin’s beloved stuffed dragon and walked silently over to where his brother was still sleeping. Gently he picked up his brother’s arm and tucked Dragon against him. Colin’s arm automatically curled around the toy and tucked it under his chin, his face dropping to rest on Dragon’s head.

Then Jamie grabbed his laptop and left the room, leaving Colin to sleep.

 

****

 

During the weekend, Leon took Jamie under his wing. While Colin stayed inside, dealing with his feelings through his art, Leon and Jamie went for long walks and talks. They talk about the situation with the fathers, and they talk about Jamie getting drunk and having sex, since it’s his first time. 

“Do you have any questions?”

“What - about sex or about what happened?” Jamie asked with a cheeky grin.

“Either. Both.”

“Nah. No questions. It was what it was. Just…the dads, they always said that the first time should be special, that we should wait so that it’s something memorable because we’ll remember it for the rest of our lives. Instead, I’ve just got a drunk shag with one of my mates.”

“Yeah – about that whole ‘special’ business. You’re dads might have exaggerated a bit. I mean, I can understand why they told you that – to get you to wait until you were more responsible, but for the majority of us, it’s a bit of a non-event.”

Jamie looked speculatively at his uncle.

“So your first time??”

Leon blushed to the tips of his ears. “Not quite the stellar event. My biggest memory of the event was the girl I was with asking ‘Is that it? Is it over?’”

Jamie burst out laughing and laughed so hard he had to sit down on a nearby park bench. Leon ended up joining in the laughter and they sat there laughing like lunatics. When they finally caught their breaths and wiped away tears of laughter, Leon shook his finger at his nephew. “Don’t you dare tell anyone that story. Particularly your Aunt Morgana!”

“Oh why? Still having that problem?”

Jamie yelped as Leon swiped at him and took off running, chased by his uncle. “Is that it?” he yelled over his shoulder between laughter. “Is it over??”

 

****

 

That night while the household slept, Colin was still awake. The bedside clock read 2:45am. He slipped out of bed, being careful not wake Jamie, who was sprawled beside him. 

Silently, he made his way downstairs into the living room. Gathering up the fleece throw, he huddled on the couch in the dark. 

He was lost in thought when he heard someone else come down. The kitchen light was turned on and cast a faint glow into the living room. Colin tuned out whoever was up and remained still and silent. A few minutes later, a low side lamp comes on and Morgana was there with two steaming mugs.

“Here you go, sweetheart, hot chocolate, always good for what ails you.”

“Thank you.”

Morgana joined him on the couch and they sat in silence, sipping their drinks. Colin looked at her speculatively several times before setting his drink down and turning to her.

“Aunty Morgs, could I ask you a favour? Do you think…could you…” he stumbled to a stop and Morgana reached out to rub his arm in encouragement. He looked up at her again and very quietly asked, “Do you think, for just a little while, could you be my mum for me?”

Morgana felt her heartbeat stop. She knew that Colin has always known she was his birth mother, but he had always been so secure in the love and parenting of Arthur and Merlin that he had never once claimed his mother. She’s always been Aunty Morgs, just as she is for Jamie. Now here he was, asking for his mother. 

Morgana set down her drink and held out her arms. Colin surged into them, settling down beside her, resting his head on her shoulder.

“Thank you. I just think I need a mum right now.”

Morgana bit back the tears that threatened and kissed his bent head. “I’m always here for you sweetheart.”

Colin nodded and just lay in her arms while she stroked his hair. Even when she felt him finally fall asleep, she held her son in her arms and comforted him. 

When Leon came down an hour later, looking for his wife, he didn’t question finding her cradling her son, tears silently tracking down her beautiful face. Silently he reached for Colin, pulling him from her arms and supporting his drowsy form as he walked him down the hall and helped him back to bed. Then he returned to his wife, pulled her into his arms and held her tightly while she sobbed into his shoulder.


	8. Jamie and Colin - Saturday

On Saturday, Leon and Jamie went to the park to kick around a football. Before leaving, Jamie checked on Colin, but he was settled at the dining table with his art book and pencils, working on an intricate design.

A little while after Jamie and Leon left, Morgana comes into the dining room to check on Colin.

“Very nice, I like the way you’ve done that part there,” she pointed to the work. “Do you want to keep working on this or would you like a break?”

Colin looked up at her “What do you have in mind?”

“I thought I’d do some baking, if you’d like to help?”

Colin’s eyes widened in wonder. “Mum, you bake?”

Morgana felt the tug on her heart when Colin called her ‘mum’ once again. He’d woken up this morning using the word, much to the surprise of his brother and uncle, and much to a sharp surge of love that Morgana felt whenever he used the word.

“Actually, I’m not very good at it, but your Uncle Leon dutifully eats whatever I produce. Maybe if you help, the biscuits won’t be such a disaster this time.”

Colin grinned. “I help Papa bake all the time, he makes great biscuits.” His smile faded as his face suddenly clouded with memory.

“Well then, I am counting on your expertise to produce a stunning array of biscuits for when Jamie and Leon get home.”

The two worked together all afternoon, Morgana purposefully teasing Colin to make him laugh. She asked about his schoolwork, his art projects and his girlfriend and they managed to get through three different types of biscuits without once mentioning what was happening at home.

Jamie and Leon returned to a house that smelt delicious. When Morgana appeared to tell them that she had been baking, Leon’s face fell so comically that Colin laughed uproariously. 

Seeing Jamie’s puzzlement, she informed Leon that Colin had been the lead baker so the biscuits were in fact edible.

That fact established, the four of them sat around the kitchen table, scarfing down the wonderfully warm biscuits with tall glasses of milk, while Leon regaled the boys with tales of past baking disasters. He soon had them both laughing hysterically, and he and Morgana exchanged thankful glances over the heads of the boys.

 

****

 

Jamie and Colin were stretched out on the couch, reading, each one leaning back against an arm, legs tangled in the middle.

“Hey Jamie.”

“Hmmm?”

“Did you really have sex? Like _proper _sex?”__

Jamie put his book down. “Yeah.”

“So how was it? Was it like Papa says its gonna be if we wait?”

Jamie shook his head ruefully.

“Truthfully? It was nothing special.”

“What?”

“Col, I was drunk. It wasn’t sex like it’s supposed to be – you know, for the right reason and with the right person. I was drunk out of my mind and I just wanted to get out of my head - to forget everything that’s going on. It just happened and it was just an excuse to forget.”

Colin looked at him goggle-eyed. “But, Papa said – “

“I know what Pops said. But it wasn’t like that. Truth be told, I was so drunk I was lucky I could get it up. Luckily Andrew knew what – “

“ _Andrew _??? Andrew from footie??? You were with Andrew from footie??”__

“Yeah, but gawd, don’t read anything into it. It was an opportunity fuck, nothing else. I was at his house and really upset. We got drunk and I think I was crying. He was just trying to comfort me and one thing led to another. It was completely meaningless. Just a drunken shag. He could have been anyone – male or female. I just needed to feel something other than the crap I was feeling.”

“So you’re not gay?”

Jamie laughed. “If you mean am I lusting after Andrew or any other of my mates, the answer is no. Aside from this, I’ve only ever fooled around with girls.”

Colin sighed. “I always figured that the first time would be special, something to look forward to.”

“It should be and it will be for you – if you do it right, Col. If I had to do it over again, I would not have my first time be a drunken shag with my mate. Not exactly something I want to brag about – or tell my children.”

“Yeah but, you had sex, Jamie. I mean, you did _it _!” Colin grinned at him.__

Jamie kicked him. “Stop grinning. It was nothing like it should have been. Your first time stays with you forever. It’s a memory you never forget. I don’t have anything special to remember – no special person to remember. I have a drunken, sloppy handjob with a mate as drunk as I was. For all it was, I could have done it myself.”

“Couldn’t have given yourself those.” Colin pointed at the lovebits marring Jamie’s neck.

Jamie grimaced and touched his neck. “These are more embarrassing then trophies. How was I to know Andrew was a biter? Never would have snogged him if I knew he was going to do this to me.”

Colin burst out laughing and Jamie kicked him again. “You listen to me little brother. Whoever you end up shagging, you make damn sure they’re not part vampire and keep them the hell away from your neck!”

Leon entered the room and asked, “What’s so funny?”

Pointing at Jamie, Colin replied, “Jamie is a marked man. And he says it wasn’t even worth it.”

Scowling at his brother, Jamie hunkered down, trying to bury his neck in his collar.

“Drunken shags are rarely worth it,” said Leon


	9. Snapshots of a Marriage unravelling 2

**Saturday ******

**8:30am ******

Merlin walked into the kitchen and stopped short at the sight of Arthur sitting at the table drinking tea. Arthur had slept in the spare room last night, not that Merlin had expected him to come to their bed.

Arthur looked up at him.

“What?”

“You’re still here.”

“Of course I’m still here. Where else would I be.”

Merlin shrugged and moved to the kettle to fill it to make fresh tea. “It’s Saturday. You usually go into work on Saturdays now.”

Arthur had no answer to that. Merlin turned around and leaned back against the counter.

“You missed work yesterday and you’re not going in today? Are you sure the place won’t fall down without your constant presence?”

Arthur sighed. “It’s a bit early in the day for sarcasm.”

“Just asking.”

Merlin turned back and began organizing the teapot.

“What about you? Is my presence messing up your plans?”

“I usually spend the morning with the boys.” Merlin answered over his shoulder.

“No plans with the lover then?”

Arthur heard Merlin’s breath hitch but he remained silent.

“I’m surprised he hasn’t called, or did you call him?”

Arthur saw the tips of Merlin’s ears redden and the flush that crept up his neck. Anger flared in him.

“You _have _talked to him.”__

Merlin bit his lip but kept his back to Arthur. He had talked to Lance last night. He had wanted to explain why he was breaking off their relationship.

_“Arthur found out. He knows.”_

_“Are you okay, Merlin?”_

_“No. I hate this. I hate doing this to him.”_

_“Then don’t. Leave him and come to me.” ___

_“I can’t. We have a family. We have the boys to think of.” ___

_“So you’re fighting for the boys, not him?” ___

_“No! No. I’ve loved him for so long, Lance. I have to find out if we still have anything worth saving.” ___

_“And do you?” ___

_“I don’t know. I don’t know if Arthur even knows. He’s with me out of habit now.” ___

_“Merlin, you are worth so much more then just ‘habit.’ You deserved to be loved properly, fully, not as an afterthought.”_

_Merlin had sighed. ___

_“Are you safe, Merlin? He won’t hurt you?” ___

_“No! Arthur would never hurt me like that. He would never raise a hand to me.” ___

_“He’s hurting you now, though. I can hear it in your voice.” ___

_Merlin had laughed. “I’ve been hurting like this for so long, it’s my habit.” ___

_“Are you sure this is worth saving? What’s Arthur say?” ___

_“Before he found out, he had no idea anything was wrong.” ___

_“And now?” ___

_“Now, he thinks this is all me. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.” ___

_“Have you talked to him?" ___

_“We’ve spent the whole day doing nothing but.” ___

_“You told him how you feel?” ___

_“Yeah. And he’s still defending his time at work. Says it has nothing to do with us falling apart.” ___

_Lance was silent for a long time. ___

_“If he was around, if he didn’t stay away at work. Would you have come to me, Merlin?” ___

_It was Merlin’s turn for silence. ___

_“If he was like he used to be, if he was my Arthur…. no.” Merlin sighed. “ I’m sorry Lance, I don’t want to hurt you too, but -” ___

_“- but I’m a substitute. It’s okay, Merlin. I knew from the first that I was a stand-in for Arthur.” ___

_“I’m so sorry, Lance. I should never have used you this way. You deserve better.” ___

_“Hey, I’m a big boy. I knew exactly what I was getting in to."_

_“That doesn’t make it right.” ___

_Lance laughed. “Merlin, although we got into this for all the wrong reasons, I’m glad it happened. I’m glad you happened – to me." ___

_Merlin gulped back a sob. ___

_“Hey, Merlin. Don’t cry love. Shhh, don’t cry.” ___

_“I’m sorry. It’s just…. I just wish Arthur wanted me, like you do.” ___

_“Oh Merlin. Even after everything, you still love him, don’t you?” ___

_“I want him back so much it hurts, Lance. But not this Arthur. I want my Arthur back, the one who loved me, the one who smiled and laughed and wanted nothing more than to be with me. I want him to hold me again like he meant it. I want him to love me again.” ___

_“Then fight for him, love. Fight for your relationship. Make him see you again. And if it doesn’t work out, if everything is going to come to an end, I’ll be waiting for you. You won’t be alone, Merlin. If you don’t win him back, come back to me.” ___

“You talked to him, didn’t you?” Arthur demanded.

“Yes.”

“You are fucking unbelievable, Merlin! We’re supposed to be fighting this out, supposed to be trying to find a way to save our relationship, and you’re still chasing after him. What? You had phone sex because you couldn’t be with him?”

“No!” Merlin whirled around, angry. “No, it was nothing like that. I called to break it off with him.”

“Oh really? And how did he take that? Begged you not to go? Begged you to come running to him?”

“He told me to fight for you. If I really wanted you, he told me to fight for you.”

That stopped Arthur.

“He’s a good man, Arthur, he cares for me.”

“How good could he be that he’d have an affair with you?”

“It wasn’t him. He didn’t start this. I did.”

Arthur felt something break inside of him. Somehow, some part of him had believed that Merlin had been seduced away from him. But Merlin hadn’t been seduced. Merlin had chosen.

“You seduced him?” Arthur asked weakly.

“I made the first move, yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I was dying inside and I was desperately lonely.”

Arthur looked at him in bewilderment.

“You can still be lonely even in a crowd, Arthur.” 

“You brought him here, to our house.”

“He’s been here, yes.”

“Did you had sex with him in our house?”

“Yes.”

“In our bed?”

“No. He’s never been upstairs.”

“Then where? The living room? In here?”

“In my office. He’s a client.”

“A client? Not exactly professional of you, Merlin.”

“No, not professional at all.”

“But it didn’t stop you.”

“No, it didn’t stop me.”

Merlin stared at him, tea preparation forgotten. Arthur played with his mug, images crowding his mind.

“Are you lonely now?”

“I never stopped being lonely.”

“But you chose him - to stop the loneliness.”

“I chose him to fill the emptiness.”

“Then why are you still lonely?”

“Because he’s not you.”

Merlin walked out of the room.

 

****  
 **11:30am ******

They were in the middle of an argument when Arthur’s phone rang.

Merlin stopped at the sound and laughed dismissively when Arthur automatically pulled it out to answer, then he walked out of the room.

“I told you no phone calls,” Arthur barked into the phone. “I don’t care….Sally, I told you no…..Dammit I don’t care if the whole fucking place burns down – no phone calls. Whatever is happening can wait until I get back to the office and if it can’t – you handle it. Now leave me alone!”

Arthur snapped the phone off, then turned it off completely. 

He went in search of Merlin and found him in the kitchen, watching the kettle boil, a teapot waiting. Arthur sat down at the kitchen table.

“So, big emergency at the office? Something only you can handle? Are you leaving?” Merlin’s voice was brittle.

“No, I’m not leaving. And I’ve turned my phone off.”

Merlin poured the boiling water into the teapot, then automatically set two mugs on the table. “I’m honoured.”

“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you, Merlin.”

“Who’s being sarcastic?” Merlin brought the teapot to the table. “This is the first time in months where I’ve won out over your work.”

“That’s not true.”

“You keep saying that.”

“That’s because you make a lot of assumptions that aren’t true.”

“They’re not assumptions, they’re facts. Only you don’t recognize them.”

Arthur scrubbed his face with his hands. “Merlin, I’m not getting into this again. My work is my work. It’s what I do.”

“It’s what you do to the exclusion of everything else.”

“My work is not the issue here, we’re talking – “

“It is the damn issue! I may have cheated on you, Arthur, but you’ve cheated on us, on me and the boys, with your damn work. That’s your mistress – your work. For every accusation you’ve leveled against me, I could say the same about your work. How often have you abandoned us for work? How often have you walked out to take a phone call from work? How often have you stayed away because of work? How often – “

“Work doesn’t fuck me!” Arthur shouted. “Work doesn’t make me an adulterer!”

“No, but it fucks us!” Merlin shouted back. “We’ve lost you to your damn work, just as surely as you’ve lost me to Lance!”

Merlin’s statement echoed around the room and Arthur’s face paled.

“Have I lost you to him?” Arthur whispered. “Is that what you want – to go to him?”

“No! No, damn it, it is not what I want.” Merlin dropped his head into his hands. “It is not what I want,” he repeated.

The two men sat in silence, neither of them touching the tea.

“So what do you want?”

“I want ‘us’ back. The way we used to be.”

“Bit late for that now, don’t you think? The ‘us’ we used to be didn’t include you screwing around on me.”

“The ‘us’ we used to be didn’t include you deserting the family, either.”

Arthur laughed brokenly. “How the hell can you compare you screwing around with someone else, to me working too much?”

Merlin looked at him sadly. “How the hell can you not care that it was a contributing factor? Even now, you’re defending it. What I did, I’m not defending. It’s out there on the table. My guilt. No defense. Full admittance.”

“Oh that’s right, I forgot. I worked too much so you were fully within your rights to have an affair – to go out and screw another man.”

“At least he wanted me. How long has it been since you’ve wanted me, Arthur?”

“So that’s all it takes? Someone wanted you? So…. what? The next man that comes along who wants you, you’ll go running to them and fuck them?”

It was Merlin’s turn to pale. Biting his lip, he stood up from the table absently picking up the full teapot and putting it in the sink. With his back turned to Arthur, he answered him.

“There’s only one man I’ve ever wanted to want me, and that’s you, Arthur. You’ve always been the only man. But that’s a broken dream now, isn’t it?” Merlin turned to face Arthur, a sheen of tears in his eyes. “You haven’t wanted me in a very long time.”

Merlin walked out of the kitchen.

Arthur sat at the table, head bowed. The thought of other men wanting Merlin clawed at his guts. The thought of Merlin wanting them back, tore at his heart. 

And where was he? He tried to think of the last time he had Merlin. There was no sexual excitement. Merlin had lain beneath him, with deadened eyes and accepted him. He couldn’t even remember if Merlin had come, knew he hadn’t even paid any attention to that fact. He hadn’t even tried to entice Merlin. Just rolled on top of him, a quick prep, pushed his way in. It hadn’t taken long to come, then he’d collapsed and fallen asleep. 

When had he stopped caring about Merlin? When had he just started using him?

 

****

 

**2:00pm ******

“When did we last have sex, Arthur?”

“What?”

“When was the last time? Do you even remember?”

As Arthur floundered, Merlin gave a strangled laugh

“Six weeks, Arthur. It was six weeks ago. The time before that was five weeks previous. And do you remember what it was like, Arthur? That time six weeks ago? Before you even started, you said you just wanted a quick fuck because you were exhausted. As soon as it was over, you fell asleep on top of me. I lay there used, because that’s what you did. You didn’t even bother about me. You just came and fell asleep. I realized I had become nothing but a convenient fuck. And even though you were lying on top of me, even though you were still inside me, I have never felt so lonely in my entire life.”

Merlin wiped away the tears that were falling. “Do you have any idea how long its been since you’ve looked at me like I mattered? Like you wanted me as a lover? Do you know how long it’s been since you’ve kissed me like you meant it and not just a peck hello or goodbye?”

Merlin walked over to the window, his back to Arthur, head bowed. “You have no idea how hungry I was for someone to touch to me again like I actually mattered. Lance wanted me. He touched me like I was the sexiest fucking man he had ever had. And when he touched me, I realized how starved I was for that touch.”

Merlin turned and faced Arthur.

“Even though it was wrong and I was risking everything we had, it was so easy, Arthur. It was so easy to walk into his arms and to be with him. It’s no excuse for what I did, but I want you to know why it happened. I don’t love Lance, I don’t even want him. I just want him to touch me, because when he does, I matter. For those times we’re together, I matter. Not as a father, not as a partner, but as a man, a lover. And I see the hunger in his eyes that I haven’t seen in your eyes for so long.

Merlin gulped and took a deep breath.

“But you know what the sad part is, Arthur? It’s not even as good as we used to be. It’s never as good as we used to be. But it’s more then you give me now, and I’ll take it. Because to someone – to Lance, I finally matter again.”

Merlin walked out of the room.

Rasping sobs tore from Arthur as he dropped his head into his hands. Merlin’s words cut him like blades, slicing his heart and soul until he thought he would bleed to death. He heard Merlin walk past him and leave the room, and he couldn’t move. Merlin was his life. When had he stopped caring? When had he started taking everything for granted? When had he stopped loving Merlin? Never. He had never stopped loving him. But he had stopped needing him. He had stopped wanting him. He had ignored him right into someone else’s arms. 

The loss of Merlin tore a hole in his soul so large that Arthur curled in on himself, gasping with the agony of that loss.

 

****

 

**3:30pm ******

Merlin stood watching Arthur. He was sitting on the couch, head thrown back, staring at nothing. Merlin couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Arthur so still.

“I’m sorry.”

Arthur turned his head as Merlin spoke. 

“I’m sorry I did this to you. I’m sorry I hurt….no, that’s not right. I’m not sorry I hurt you. I wanted you to hurt.”

“You succeeded.”

Merlin moved to sit in the armchair. He stared back at Arthur. “I didn’t do this to hurt you. But I wanted you to hurt when you found out.”

Arthur stared back silently.

“Why did you stop wanting me, Arthur?” Merlin asked quietly. You used to want me. There was a time you couldn’t keep your hands off me, even if it was just to hold hands. We never hold hands anymore.”

Arthur turned back to staring at the ceiling.

“When did you grow tired of me? What happened that you stopped wanting me?”

“We grew up, Merlin. Life happened.”

“I’m still me. You’re still you.”

Arthur said nothing.

“I used to touch you and you would tremble under my fingers. I could make love to you just by touching you, touching your skin until you begged for release. Then you stopped letting me touch you. And you stopped touching me. Now you prefer that I don’t touch you at all, even when you want sex. I just lie there, not touching you and you don’t even notice.”

Arthur’s mind wandered as his eyes traced a faint crack in the ceiling. Merlin was right. He didn’t want to be touched anymore. It was too much effort. When had he lost his passion?

“I thought I was dead inside. Until Lance. But I’m not dead inside. I still desire. I still have needs. I still want to be touched.”

Merlin stood up.

“I’m not sorry this happened. I need this, needed Lance, for me. I needed to feel again. And I’m not sorry that it hurt you. At least it made you feel something for me again. Even if it’s hate.”

Merlin started to walk out of the room.

“I don’t hate you.”

He turned back to look at Arthur.

“I don’t hate you Merlin. I just feel…. empty.”

Merlin stared at him. “Maybe that’s because I’m not there anymore.”

Merlin left the room.

 

****

 

**5:30pm ******

Merlin stood in the doorway.

“Do you want me to leave?”

Arthur looked at him through drained eyes. “What?”

“Do you want me to go? Leave the house? Only, we have to make arrangements about the boys.”

“No, I don’t want you to leave. They’re still too young to be left on their own.”

Merlin gave a constricted laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“You didn’t for one second consider staying with the boys yourself.”

“Merlin, I have to…”

“Save it, Arthur. I don’t care anymore.”

Merlin walked out of the room.

 

****

 

**9:00pm ******

“What is he like?”

Merlin looked up from the book he wasn’t reading. Arthur was standing in the doorway. “What do you mean?”

“You chose him over me. Why? What is he like? How does he kiss you? How did he get you off?”

Merlin shook his head and put the book down on the coffee table. “I’m not doing this, Arthur.”

“You owe me.”

“I don’t owe you this.”

Arthur strode into the room and stood in front of him, glaring down at him. “I have the right to know why you chose him.”

Merlin stood up so they were face to face. “I don’t owe you details. It will serve no purpose.”

“Why not? Are you ashamed of what you did with him? How you touched him? Did you suck him off, Merlin? Did you let him-”

Merlin stepped away from Arthur but he followed, grabbing Merlin and turning him to face him. 

“What’s the matter Merlin? I should think you’d want to brag about this. You had five weeks of his hands on you, making your feel like a man again, making you feel wanted…”

“Don’t do this, Arthur.”

“I want to know, Merlin. I want to know just what he did that you’d go crawling back to him time and time again.”

“Leave it, Arthur.” 

Merlin moved to side-step him but suddenly Arthur grabbed both his shoulders and shook him furiously.

“What the hell did he do to you? Did he kiss you like this?” Arthur ground his lips on Merlin’s punishingly. Merlin cried out in pain and tried to push Arthur off. Breaking the contact, Arthur stayed in Merlin’s face. “Did he touch you like this?” Arthur reached down and grabbed for Merlin’s crotch, twisting painfully.

Merlin wretched out of Arthur’s hold, stumbling backwards. Arthur followed and pushed him down on the couch, landing on top of him.

“You want to feel wanted, Merlin? I’ll fucking make you feel wanted!” 

Arthur bit down hard on Merlin’s neck and Merlin cried out in pain, frantically trying to push Arthur off him. Arthur’s hands clawed at his clothing and Merlin heard something rip.

“Please, don’t do this..”

Arthur grabbed Merlin’s jaw and crushed his mouth on Merlin’s. He tasted blood. His other hand grabbed at Merlin’s waist with bruising force while he ground his hips into Merlin. Merlin pried Arthur’s hand away from his jaw and turned his head, but Arthur reached up, threading his fingers through Merlin’s hair so tightly that he gasped with the pain. He yanked Merlin’s head back and started biting his way down Merlin’s neck.

“Get off me! Get off me, Arthur!” Merlin kicked and struggled, his hands pushing in a frenzy against Arthur.

“You want this, Merlin, you want to be touched.”

Arthur reached Merlin’s chest and bit down again, breaking the skin. With a roar of anger and pain, Merlin arched his body up and heaved Arthur off and onto the floor. Merlin scrambled backwards off the couch, falling over the arm. He stumbled to the doorway and turned to look back, panting in fright.

Arthur lay on his back, looking stunned. He tilted his head back and looked at Merlin.

“Oh God, Merlin. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Merlin was shaking, his jaw red from Arthur’s grip, his hair disheveled, angry red marks marred his neck, his torn shirt showing where Arthur had bitten him, blood slowly trickling down from the broken skin.

“Fuck you, Arthur!” Merlin sobbed, then turned and staggered away.

Arthur heard him stumble up the stairs and the slam of their bedroom door. And he heard the lock turn.

 

Arthur lay on the floor and covered his eyes with his arm. Tremors shook his body. 

He had tried to rape Merlin. 

In his anger, he had tried to hurt the one man that meant life to him. Harsh sobs tore from his throat as he turned on his side and curled into himself.

He had tried to rape Merlin.

 

In the bedroom, Merlin tore off his clothes then staggered into the ensuite bathroom. He ran the shower as hot as he could stand it, then stood under it, arms braced against the walls, head bowed. Arthur had attacked him. 

Never once, in their entire relationship, had Arthur ever raised a hand against him. 

Arthur had attacked him. 

Merlin’s legs crumbled and he fell to his knees. Arthur had attacked him. 

The sound of the shower buried his weeping.

 

***

 

Merlin lay in bed, his mind strangely calm. It was over. His relationship with Arthur, the life they had built together, it was all over. Now what?

Merlin turned his head to look at the empty side of the bed. Arthur’s side. It would remain empty now. From now on, he would sleep alone. A lost smile played across his face. Nothing different, then. He’d gone to sleep alone so many times this past year – Arthur down in the study working on some last minute paperwork that just had to get done, paperwork that he hadn’t finished even though he had come home so late. He couldn’t honestly remember the last time they had gone to bed at the same time.

Merlin turned his head back and stared at the ceiling. No real change in the house either. Arthur was so seldom here anymore that his absence probably wouldn’t even be noticed. Merlin would keep the house, it was the boys’ home. 

They would have to tell the boys that Arthur was leaving. Arthur had already make it clear he wasn’t prepared to give up work for the boys, so Merlin would keep the boys and keep their home. Arthur would leave, not him.

It would be hard on the boys. Jamie was Arthur’s natural son and Colin had a deep relationship with Arthur. Arthur was Colin’s choice of parent whenever he was upset or needed someone to talk to. They’d have to make custody arrangements. Merlin’s heart clutched at a sudden thought. What if the boys didn’t want to stay with him? What if they wanted to go with Arthur? He couldn’t bear losing them too. No, he would fight for them. He would not lose his sons.

His mind moved on to finances. Merlin was very successful at what he did. He made a good income as a book designer. The mortgage was paid so it was only living expenses. They’d have to cut back on a few luxuries that a double income allowed them, but he could handle the expenses of the house and the boys. His work was thriving. He had a good solid client base. 

He’d break the contract with Lance. He would finish this book, because they were so far along, but he’d break the contract for the two follow-up books. The loss of income from those two books would be tough to swallow, but he’d pick up other clients. Merlin reviewed the savings they had and mentally assigned them to either himself or Arthur. It only took a few minutes thought to divide out all their assets cleanly.

His mind returned to the house. Arthur would need, would want, some of the furniture. Merlin’s mind moved room by room, dividing out the furniture – what to keep and what to give Arthur. He moved through every room except the spare room. Arthur was sleeping there. His mind shied away from the room completely – not even entering the closed door. He’d deal with that after Arthur left.

Merlin turned on his side, his back to Arthur’s half of the bed. It was over. His life with Arthur was over.


	10. The Morning After

The next morning, Merlin dressed with a calmness that bordered on numbness. It was over. 

He unlocked the bedroom door and moved to step out, but jumped back in alarm. Arthur was slumped against the wall next to the door. He looked up at Merlin, completely lost, eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed, his face and body defeated.

“Please Merlin, don’t leave me.”

 

****

 

Merlin looked at Arthur, the broken man leaning against the wall and wondered who he was. This wasn’t his Arthur, his golden Arthur. He remembered Arthur as he had been – brash, bold, laughing, passionate. In Merlin’s eyes, the sun had seemed to radiate from Arthur, his blonde hair shining in the light, fire burning in his eyes. Arthur had swept into his life and, with one smile, Merlin had fallen head-over-heels in love.

The man standing in front of him was nothing like his Arthur. This man had given up – given up on passion, given up on youth, given up on his own life. This man was a shell of his Arthur.

Merlin turned and walked towards the stairs. He called over his shoulder, in the voice he used with the boys.

“Clean up Arthur, you look a mess. I’m making breakfast.”

 

****

 

Strangely enough, Merlin was hungry. For the past two days, he and Arthur had subsisted individually on tea and toast. Now, with a calmness that came from a decision made, he realized he was actually hungry. Pulling out the supplies, he started to make French toast. While he worked, he reviewed the lists he had composed last night.

They’d have to sort out the bank account. He would ask for the house to keep the boys grounded. Arthur could have all the savings accounts in compensation.

Absently, he grabbed the note pad that was by the phone and began jotting down notes. Bank, Insurance, Health care – he and the boys were on Arthur’s plan. He’d have to find his own plan but he was sure Arthur would keep the boys on his plan.

As he made note of things that needed to be done, he flipped the toast in the frying pan, setting the cooked pieces on a plate.

He moved the finished French toast to the table and set place settings for two. Then he brought the syrup and powdered sugar. He finished making the tea and set the pot on the table. Then he sat with his notepad and continued scribbling notes while waiting for Arthur.

Arthur entered the kitchen looking marginally better. He had showered and changed his clothes, but his face was still haggard.

Sitting down at the table, he poured himself a mug of tea, frowning at the list that Merlin was busy writing.

“Merlin - ”

“Last night.” Merlin cut him off and stared at him icily. “What happened. You will _never _do that again. You will never raise your hand to me again.”__

Arthur stared back at him, his eyes skidding over the faint bruising on Merlin’s jaw, the marks on his neck. Not love bites – attacks. Arthur’s face reddened with shame.

“I swear I will never do that again, Merlin. I am so sorry that I hurt you. There’s no excuse for what happened.”

“No, there’s not.”

He passed Arthur the plate of French toast and the powdered sugar that he preferred. Merlin picked up the notes he’d been making.

“We need to talk. We have to make some decisions. They boys first and foremost. I would like the boys to stay with me, therefore I would like to keep the house…”

“What the hell?” Arthur stared at the notes, then grabbed them out of Merlin’s hand. He scanned the list with incredulity.

“You’ve divided our possessions? Lawyers?” Arthur looked up, stunned. “You’ve already split us up?”

“After last night, I thought it was pretty obvious that we’re not going to work anymore.”

“NO! No! You are not doing this! You are not breaking up this family!”

“We can’t continue on like we’ve been doing, Arthur. It’s destroying you and it’s killing me.”

Arthur pushed aside his uneaten breakfast.

“We made vows, Merlin. We pledged to each other. For better or worse. This is the worse and I’m not walking away. If you want to break up this family, then you’ll have to be the one to walk away. But know this…I will come after you – wherever you go, I will come after you and I will beg and plead, on my knees if I have to. I will do whatever it takes – whatever, Merlin – whatever it takes, to keep you with me.”

Arthur didn’t realize that he was crying, not feeling the tears rolling down his face.

“What happened….that man….he is not taking you away from me. I am not letting you go without a fight. I have loved you from the moment I met you. I may have forgotten to show you anymore, but I never, not for one instant, stopped loving you.”

Arthur reached out and grasped Merlin’s hand.

“Please don’t leave me, Merlin. I love you. I have never stopped loving you. Don’t walk away from us. Please.”

Merlin was shaking. He could feel the walls he had carefully built around his heart start to crumble and the pain come surging back. Gritting his teeth, he blinked tears from his eyes.

“We can’t continue on like before. I can’t survive that anymore,” he whispered.

“It won’t be like before. I promise. I’ll change. We’ll change.” 

“There’s so much that’s happened.” Merlin was still not convinced.

“We’ll work though it – together. If we both make the commitment, if we both try.”

“What I did…”

Arthur eyes briefly flared with remembered pain.

“We’ll work through it.” Arthur gulped past the pain. “I can’t promise that there won’t be times when it will be harder than other, but please Merlin, just say you’ll stay with me.”

Merlin looked at Arthur for a long time. He saw the pain in Arthur’s eyes but he also saw the conviction and for the first time in so very long, he also saw fire. He nodded.

Arthur didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Merlin agreed, and it all rushed out of him. 

“We’ll build ourselves back together, Merlin. We’ll be better, I promise.”

Merlin shook his head. “I don’t want better – I just want what we had. When we were happy. When we were a real family. Together.”

“I promise, I swear we’ll get that back. Whatever it takes, whatever I have to do, I’ll give you that back Merlin.”

For the first time that weekend, for the first time in so very long, Merlin smiled at Arthur.


	11. Guardian Angel

On Sunday afternoon, while Leon was getting his arse wiped in a video game by both Colin and Jamie, a subdued Merlin phoned and asked Morgana to bring the boys home. 

Morgana stood in the doorway of the den and watched her husband fail horrifically at Mario Kart. When the game ended, she stepped into the room. The boys were finally relaxed, although she noted that they were still sitting close together.

“Hey guys, sorry to spoil your fun, but your Papa called and asked you to come home.”

The boys immediately tensed.

“Is Dad home too?” Jamie asked

“They’re both there. They want to talk to you about what happened.”

Morgana watched Colin shrink back towards Jamie, and Jamie’s arm automatically going out protectively around his brother.

“Can you come with us?” Jamie asked.

“Your dads would probably like to talk to you alone,” said Leon.

“Please Mum?” Colin looked at her with pleading eyes. Jamie turned equally pleading eyes on Leon.

Morgana and Leon exchanged a look before both nodded agreement.

“Just for a little while though, this is something that the four of you need to deal with together, OK?” Leon stated

The boys nodded then went to pack up their belongings.

 

****

 

The boys were taunt with tension as they approached the front door of their home. Leon kept his hand on Jamie’s shoulder in a show of support and Morgana held Colin’s hand. 

As they stepped inside the house, Arthur and Merlin came to out of the living room to meet them. The boys looked at their fathers warily, before both their gazes snapped to the faint bruise on Merlin’s jaw. Merlin was wearing a high-necked jumper to hide the marks on his neck. Arthur saw both boys tense and felt their angry glare.

“It’s alright, Jamie, Colin.” Merlin tried to reassure them.

“He hurt you?” Jamie asked, appalled.

“Not like that. Don’t focus on this. Your Dad and I worked this out.”

Colin stepped up to this Papa and the two hugged. Jamie just stood and glared at Arthur. When Colin pulled away, he softly caressed Merlin’s bruised jawline. Colin stepped back and Jamie hugged his Pops.

Colin stood hesitantly in front of Arthur before tentatively stepping forward for a hug. Arthur closed his eyes and held him tight as he suddenly realized he couldn’t remember the last time he had hugged his son. Arthur opened his eyes and saw Jamie standing looking at him. Still holding Colin tight, he opened one arm to welcome is other son. After a moment’s hesitation, Jamie stepped into his embrace.

When the boys finally pulled back, the group moved into the living room.

Turning to Leon and Morgana, Arthur said, “Thank you for taking care of them. We’ll call you after we’ve talked.”

“Aunty Morgs and Uncle Leon stay,” said Jamie, taking a step back toward Leon.

“Jamie, I don’t think that – “ began Arthur

“They stay,” said Colin. “Mum stays.” And he moved back next to Morgana. She put a protective arm around him.

Both fathers looked at Morgana in shock.

“Boys, take your things up to your room.” Leon instructed. “Give us about 10 minutes before you come back down. Your Aunt and I would like to talk to your fathers first.” 

When the boys moved towards the stairs, he turned to the fathers. “We should talk. I’ll make tea.” He led them into the kitchen.

 

***

 

While Leon made tea, Morgana filled the fathers in on the boys, and why she was now being called Mum. She saw the spasm of pain that passed over both their faces when she told them that Colin said he needed a mum.

But it was Leon who surprised them all. Quiet, calm, placid, good-natured Leon, placed the tea on the table and let the men have it with both barrels.

“Do you two have any idea what your behaviour is doing to your sons? And yes, Arthur, I’m talking to you too – this isn’t just about Merlin’s affair. You’ve abandoned this family just as much as Merlin. Forget for a minute the mess you two have made of your relationship, you’ve got two boys who are hurting and who desperately need their fathers in their lives. 

“Have you even considered that Jamie has experienced two major milestones this weekend – both unfortunately precipitated by this mess. His first drunk, trying to forget the sight of his father kissing another man. And his first sexual experience. Do you even know who his partner was? Do you even know if it was a boy or a girl? Everything you taught those boys about sex and relationships, and your son’s first experience is a drunken shag because he was so desperate to try and forget how miserable his life had become.

“You two figure out your life. If you need time and space to work things out, call us and we will come and get the boys and keep them for as long as you need. Morgana and I are going to be around whenever and wherever those boys need us to be. 

“Whether Colin needs his Aunt or his Mum, Morgana will be whatever he needs. And if Jamie needs her as a mum too, then that’s what she’ll be. Either boy can come to me, anytime, day or night, and I’ll be there for them, I’ll listen to them and I’ll calm them and if needs be, I’ll hold them while they cry out their hurt and anger. 

“And you two – work out your issues between the two of you, but don’t you _dare _cast those boys aside again! Don’t you dare make your issues more important than your sons! The day you brought those boys home, they became your priority. Both of you man-up and get your shit together and you damn well start acting like a father again to those boys.__

"They’re hurting because of your mess, so fix it – fix them. You’ve got two amazing sons, and they are going to become amazing men – but not if you put your selfish, self-indulgent issues before their wellbeing. You’re their fathers – it’s about time you remember that and start acting like it!

“Now, the boys have asked Morgana and me to stay with them for this talk you’re about to give them. We’ll stay as long as they need us to, but you need to know that while we are here, we are here 100% for the boys’ interests and we will defend them if need be.”

Leon sat back and crossed his arms defiantly across his chest, scowling at the two men.

Arthur and Merlin stared back at him in a mixture of astonishment and shame Beside him, Morgana wore a look of incredulity. Then she threw her arms around him and gave him a resounding kiss.

“That! Right there! _That _is the reason I married you! I love you, you big, fierce man! And I am so damn proud of you.”__


	12. Facing the Fire

Jamie and Colin stood in the doorway of the kitchen, looking uncertain. Seeing them, Morgana and Leon moved to different chairs, leaving two empty side-by-side chairs between them for the boys. Colin sat next to Morgana and Jamie next to Leon, who reached out and gave the boy’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

“Are you splitting up?” asked Colin with dread.

“No.” Both fathers answered together.

“You’re staying with us?” Jamie asked Arthur.

Arthur winced at the question – the fact that ‘us’ meant Merlin and the boys, not him, the fact that his son had to even ask whether or not Arthur was going to stay.

“Yes, I’m staying. And I apologize to both of you for leaving the other night. I shouldn’t have walked out on you.” 

“I’m sorry too,” Merlin said. “For putting you in the middle of this. What’s happening between your Dad and me, that’s between us and we should never have let it affect you. I’m sorry for that. We both love you very much and whatever happens with your Dad and me, that will never change. We both love you.”

“You really scared us by what’s happened, dads. On Thursday, I was so angry with you both.” Jamie’s voice started trembling and Leon put his arm around Jamie’s shoulder, offering him strength. “I hated you, Pops, for what I saw. And I hated you Dad for not being there to stop him. Afterwards, when we were upstairs and we heard you fighting, we heard someone leave. We didn’t know who left – if you’d left us for good. And when I was sick, no one came. We thought….we both thought…..” Jamie stopped, gulping breaths to stop from crying.

“Jamie and I…..we talked about how we could stay together….. if you guys both left us.” Colin said brokenly. “We figured Dad already didn’t want us….. and that you’d leave us for that other man.”

“We figured you didn’t want us anymore because what happened, neither of you thought about us. We’d already lost Dad and now Pops, you were walking away from us too. We didn’t know what to do. That’s why we went to Uncle Leon and Aunty Morgs. We figured you didn’t want us anymore.”

Morgana gathered Colin to her, arms encircling him protectively. Jamie was buried in Leon’s shoulder while Leon stroked his hair to calm him. 

Both Arthur and Merlin were devastated over their son’s confessions, their guilt burying them.

“Jamie, Colin. You are my sons. I love you both more than life itself,” Arthur choked, out. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I neglected you, if I let you believe that I didn’t care anymore. You two boys are the most precious people in my life. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”

Beside him, Merlin closed his eyes in pain, Arthur’s words compounding his devastation. Once upon a time he would have said those words about Merlin. But he didn’t. Arthur’s words were only for his sons, not him.

Merlin opened his eyes and looked at his sons, held in someone else’s arms. Leon was murmuring words of comfort to Jamie. Morgana looked back at him, eyes wild with maternal anger. “Fix this!” she mouthed at him.

“I’m sorry we scared you, Jamie, Colin. Dad and I, we both got so caught up in our own lives that we did neglect you. That should never have happened. We never, ever want you to feel like you’ve lost us. We are your family, we are your fathers, and we will always be your home.” Merlin took a shuddering breath. “Dad and I, we just lost sight of that for a bit. But I swear to you, it will never happen again. You two are our lives, the reason we are a family. You boys are the greatest gift in our lives. And we never want to lose you.”

Jamie pulled out of Leon’s arms and looked at his fathers, rubbing his eyes, looking heartbroken.

Colin pulled back from Morgana, using his sleeve to wipe his eyes. The sadness on his face was gut-wrenching.

“So what happens to our family?” Jamie asked.

“The family will stay together,” answered Arthur. “What’s happened, your father and I will work it out between us, together. We are both committed to keeping our family together.”

“What happened,” Colin looked at Merlin. “Are you in love with this other man, Papa? Do you want to be with him?”

“No. I don’t want to be with anyone else but your father and you two. What happened had nothing to do with love. I never stopped loving your father.”

“So why did you do it?” Jamie asked this time.

Merlin struggled with the answer. “I felt.…something was missing in my life. It’s not an excuse, it’s a reason, but it doesn’t justify what I did.”

“The thing that was missing, was it Dad?” Jamie looked directly at Arthur, challenging him.

“Jamie, the why’s and wherefore’s of what I did are between your Dad and me…”

“Yes. It was because of me,” Arthur answered, looking his son directly in the eye. “I know I’ve let you all down by putting my work ahead of you, ahead of your Papa. And I’m sorry that something like this had to happen for me to see the damage that my absence has caused.”

“Arthur, you don’t…”

“Yes I do, Merlin. We both did this to the family.”

“So what – you’re going to start coming home again?” Jamie was still daring his father. “For how long? How long before work becomes more important again?”

“Jamie, I know I’ve hurt you both by missing out on your lives, making promises I didn’t keep. But what’s happened, coming so close to losing you all. I won’t allow that to happen again. Starting immediately, I’m cutting back on work and I’m going to make our family a priority again. I promise.”

“What about you Papa? What about this man?” Colin questioned. “Is he still a part of this? Are you still going to see him?”

“No. He’s no longer a part of this. It’s…our relationship is over.”

“How could you do this, Pops? If you were missing something, you have Col and me, you could have talked to us.” Jamie was getting upset.

“Jamie.” Merlin reached out and took his son’s hand. “What I was missing, why I did this -”

“The details of what your Papa did are for your Papa and me to work out, Jamie.” Arthur cut Merlin off. “What happened revolves around your Papa and my relationship, and has nothing to do with his love for you and Colin.”

“But you still chose him over us,” Colin said, a great sorrow in his voice.

“I chose to spend time with him for purely selfish reasons. But I never chose him over you. He never replaced you.”

“You chose to spend time with him rather than us,” Jamie reminded Merlin.

Merlin bit his lip and nodded. “And I was wrong to do that.”

“You were wrong to get involved with him in the first place!” Said Colin angrily.

Morgana reached out and rubbed her son’s back to calm him.

“You’re right. I was wrong. I risked our family and I hurt the people I love more than anything in this whole world. I’m sorry I hurt you. I love you both so much.”

“Your Dad and I are going to work on fixing our relationship. And that includes working to fix our relationship with you boys,” said Merlin.

“It’s about time your Papa and I started acting like fathers again and we get our family back together again,” added Arthur.

Colin nodded. “Yeah, it is.”

“It would be nice to have you back, Dad,” said Jamie.

“What happens now? Are you just going to forget everything that’s happened?”

“It’s not that simple, Colin.” Merlin cautioned. “Dad and I have a lot to fix between us. But we are going to work on it together. Until we can fix it though, things will be slightly different around here. You’re both old enough to understand that your dad and I need our separate space while we work this out.”

“Your Pops and I will be sleeping in separate rooms for awhile because we need time to mend this. So we’re asking you boys to be patient with us.” 

“Dad and I want to stay together. But fixing a relationship takes time. And sometimes it can be hard. So if your Dad and I are mad at each other, you need to know that it has nothing to do with you – we are not mad at you. And if we need some space and time to argue things out, we might ask you to spend a night at your Aunt and Uncle’s. If we ask this of you, it’s only because we don’t want you in the middle of our arguments.”

“And boys,” Morgana interjected, “If you ever feel you need a break, you can come to our home anytime, day or night.”

Jamie and Colin looked at each other, then back at their parents, nodding their agreement.

“You won’t leave? You promise?” Jamie asked Arthur once again, seeking a final reassurance.

“I won’t leave. I promise.” Arthur vowed to his sons.

“You won’t leave us either, Papa?” Colin asked Merlin.

“I won’t leave you. I promise.”

‘Why don’t you take your things up to your room. Your papa and I want to talk to your aunt and uncle for a minute.”

The boys hugged their aunt and uncle before leaving the room. The adults noticed that they didn’t go near their fathers. The adults didn’t start talking until they heard the boys go upstairs.

“You’ve got a lot of damage control to do with those two,” Leon noted.

“I know, and we will,” Arthur replied. “I want to thank both of you for being there for the boys, and for your offer to help them deal with this in the future.”

“Are you two going to be alright? Really alright, not just to placate the boys?” Morgana asked.

“We’ve agreed to try. That’s all we can do.” Merlin said softly.

“There’s going to be times when we’ll really need you to take the boys,” Arthur cautioned.

“The offer we made to the boys – to be there for them if they need someone to talk to, or comfort them. That offer is for both of you too. No judgments, just a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and a heart to love you. Both Morgana and I are offering that to you as well as the boys.” Leon stated as he stood up. Holding a hand out to his wife, he added. “But if you mess those boys around again, I will personally come over here and kick your sorry arses into tomorrow.”

Morgana rose, then gave Arthur and Merlin a hug. To Merlin she whispered, “He really does love you.” To Arthur she whispered, “Fight for your man, Panda bear.”

After Morgana and Leon left, Merlin and Arthur headed up to talk individually to the boys. 

 

TBC


	13. Epilogue 1 - Rebuilding stone by stone

The Pendragon household worked hard to pull themselves back together but it wasn’t an easy task. Each of them was on guard against a slip back to the way it was before the crisis.

In the weeks that followed, the boys adjusted their after-school schedule so one of them was always home right after school. They never spoke to their father about it, but Merlin noticed that his sons were around much more then they had been. Realizing that it was an indication that they didn’t trust him not to go back to Lance, Merlin felt a sense of loss and guilt that the boys were so unsure of him. 

Determined to restore their belief in him, he used the one-on-one time to reconnect with his sons. He took a break from his work when they came home and he shared a snack with them while catching up with their lives, much as he had done when they were younger. Gradually, the boys learned to relax and lost their anxious expression whenever they came in the door from school.

For the first time in years, Arthur started calling Merlin during the day, just to chat. Merlin knew that the phone calls were really just Arthur checking up on him, but he chose to use them as another way to reconnect with his partner, and they both came to relish this small contact mid-day. For Arthur it was a reminder that he had a family and a man waiting for him outside of work.

Arthur adjusted his work schedule so that he came home in time to join them for supper. Merlin buried the thought that wondered why it had taken this crisis for him to want to come home again. 

Arthur had moved into the spare room. While they were trying and working to rebuild their relationship, Merlin’s affair and Arthur’s attack had left it’s mark. Merlin was apprehensive if Arthur touched him too firmly or got angry. Arthur hated seeing that fear in Merlin’s eyes but the constant thoughts of Merlin and Lance together would cause the anger to flame inside him. He tried his best to hide it but he wasn’t always successful.

It was a time of gains and backslides as Arthur and Merlin fought to regain their relationship and their family.

****

The first Saturday after the crisis, Arthur was sitting at the kitchen table, dressed in casual clothes, drinking tea and reading the papers. He was the first one up in the household. As the rest of the household woke up one by one and wandered into the kitchen, they each had matching expressions of surprise at seeing him. Arthur would have laughed aloud at the sight if he hadn’t realized sadly that his presence should not come as such a shock. For the boys, their shock was followed by suspicion until he assured them he was staying home for the day. 

Merlin was more guarded in his reaction. As he explained the plans for the day, he repeatedly looked at Arthur as if he expected him to announce any moment that he was bailing on them. When Arthur calmly sat, nodding in agreement and joining in the planning, Merlin gradually relaxed.

They spent the morning at a couple of local farmer’s markets, all four of them trolling through the stalls and finding treasures – from fresh fruit and veggies, to honey, freshly baked bread and a rhubarb pie – Arthur’s favourite. 

Arthur tried not to scan the crowd, looking for Merlin’s lover. It was stupid he knew – he had no idea what the man looked like, but he watched to see if anyone looked at Merlin with undue interest.

When Arthur’s phone rang, he felt his family physically tense beside him. Merlin turned his head away and Arthur saw his shoulders slump in resignation. Arthur pulled out his phone and shut it off. At the surprised looks from the other three, he shrugged.

“I told the office I was unavailable this weekend.”

He saw Merlin’s shoulders lift once again as he smiled at Arthur and mouthed ‘thank you.’

They continued wandering as a family. Colin got sidetracked at the various artists stalls and Jamie ran into some friends and strolled off to the side to chat with them. 

At one stall Merlin paused to admire some garden flowers. When he moved on, Arthur bought the flowers and presented them to Merlin. His shy smile and the way he clutched the flowers and buried his face in them, squeezed Arthur’s heart and he wondered once again how he had been so foolish as to almost lose this man. Lunch consisted of food from the various carts at the market.

In the afternoon, the boys disappeared to visit their friends. Arthur and Merlin worked in the garden together, the routine work relaxing the atmosphere between them so that they chatted about mundane household matters, like they had in the old days, before the crisis.

Supper that night was delivery pizza, with the boys joining them again. Both had cancelled their plans for the evening in order to spend it with their fathers. The family spent a relaxing evening watching TV, Jamie tapping away on his laptop while Colin texted with his mobile. The important thing for all of them was that they were together. As the day drew to a close, Arthur realized he couldn’t remember the last time he had spent the whole day with his family like this and he sighed at the time he had wasted.

After the movie, Merlin followed the boys up to bed. When Arthur headed up an hour later, he tried not to look at the closed door of the master bedroom as he walked past it and into the spare room that had now become his own.

On Sunday, Arthur and Merlin went to watch Jamie play in a pick-up match in a nearby park. Merlin tried not to count the number of times that Jamie looked over at them, his eyes searching for and finding his dad watching him.

 

****

It was a friday night and the boys were out with their friends.

“Why didn’t you talk to me?”

Arthur rubbed his hands through his hair, elbows resting on his knees.

“When?’

“What do you mean when?” Arthur asked snidely. “When you decided to have an affair, why didn’t-”

“I meant when would I have talked to you? When were you ever here for me to talk to you?”

“Don’t start that again, Merlin. There were plenty of times you could have talked to me. I came home every night, for gods sakes! We shared the same bed-”

“And when was the last time we went to bed together? You came home late and sat on your computer doing more work. The few times I tried to interrupt you I was told ‘Not now, Merlin, I’ve got to get this finished.’ When you did come to bed, if I tried to talk to you, it was ‘Not now, Merlin, I’m exhausted’.”

“How about saying ‘Hey Arthur, I’m thinking of having an affair.” I’m pretty damn sure I would have stayed awake to listen to that!”

Merlin laughed humourlessly. 

“Right. You’re not interested in talking to me about anything else, about our life, our kids, so I’m just supposed to come out and say ‘Hey Arthur, I’m lonely as fuck and going crazy with hunger for someone to touch me, so if you could stay awake for five minutes, can we please discuss the fact that I want to have an affair with a man who wants me as much as I want him?’ Or perhaps I should wake you up early on a Sunday – anytime before noon when you usually get up. Yeah, I could have woken you up on a Sunday with ‘Hey Arthur, I’m gonna have an affair because you don’t want to have sex with me anymore’”

“If you were so damn hungry for sex, I was right there beside you.”

“When was the last time you let me touch you?” Merlin all but screamed at him in frustration. “You don’t …won’t let me touch you anymore. In bed, if I reach for you, you shy away and tell me you’re tired. During sex, you just want to get it over with so you can go to sleep. If I try to touch you, you grab my hands and hold them away from your body. So I just lie there and wait for you to finish, for it to be over. That is, the few times we’ve actually had sex this year!”

“So that’s it? You threw our life away because you wanted more sex?”

“No. I threw our life away because I wanted to be loved again. I wanted someone to love me again. Not just sex, Arthur. I wanted to be loved.”

“I loved you. I love you now.”

Merlin sadly shook his head. “No Arthur. You haven’t loved me for a long time. I’ve become habit, something that’s there – like this house, your car, I’m the person who cares for your children.”

“You should still have talked to me. Found a way, made me listen.”

“Jesus, Arthur! _This _is the most we’ve talked in months! This is the most _time _you’ve spent with me in months! And you’re not even doing it voluntarily. You’re only here because of what happened.”____

“I’m here because I’m trying to save our relationship!”

“We don’t have a relationship! You’re here because you have to be, not because you want to be. You sleep in a separate room. We talk around, over, under the subject of us – but we never talk about us. You’re here trying to prove that we’re a family but you’re just going through the motions. You want to save our relationship? Than how about trying to actually have a relationship with me?

“Dammit Merlin, I’m doing my best! You accused me of not being a proper father to the boys – well I’m here and I’m involved with them, I know what’s going on in their lives. You accused me of never coming home – well I’m in that door every evening by 6pm, earlier if I can manage it. I’m here with you on the weekends doing whatever the hell you want to do. I spend the evenings sitting with you watching tv, what more do you want?”

“Do you even hear yourself?? _I _want you to be a good father so you’re doing it. _I _want you to come home for supper so you’re doing it. _I _want you home on weekends so you’re doing it. _I _want you to spend the evenings with us so you’re doing it.”________

“Yes, I’m bloody well doing it! What the hell more do you want?”

“I want you to do it because YOU want to do it, not because I asked you to do it! Coming home and being part of this family should not be a fucking _task _to be completed! It should be something you want to do, not something you’re doing because I asked it of you.”__

“I do want to do it. That’s why I’m doing it.”

“Then why do you make it sound like such a chore? Why do you act like doing it is such a…a…compromise, like you actually want to be somewhere else, doing something else, be anyplace but here?”

Arthur took a deep breath and scrubbed his eyes in frustration. “It is not a chore to come home, nor a compromise. I want to be here with you and the boys. I want to be part of this family again but it’s damn hard, Merlin. Every time I walk in that door, you all look surprised to see me. You’re so damn agreeable and accommodating I feel like a guest in my own house. The other day Jamie and Colin were arguing about something. The minute I walked in, they stopped arguing and apologized for disturbing me. You and the boys are tiptoeing around me like you expect me to bolt out the door any minute. You want me to be a part of this family again? Well how about you treat me like a member of the family and not like a guest with suitcases packed waiting to leave.”

Merlin looked at him hard.

“Maybe we treat you like that because that’s what you’ve been for the past year. But you’re right, we need to trust you again. Trust that you won’t disappear if the boys squabble, or if everything’s not perfect. We do appreciate the changes you’ve made, and having you with us again. Just…give us time to learn to trust you again.”

“And can I trust you again?”

Merlin’s breath caught in his throat, the question like a knife scoring his heart. 

“Yes.” He choked out.

“How can I be sure?”

“I guess….you’re going to have to learn to trust me again.”

Arthur nodded, chewing his lip, his thoughts flashing across his face.

“If….if this…situation……presents itself again, will you talk to me first. At least try to talk to me before - ”

“It won’t happen again.”

“But if it does, will you promise to talk to me first. To let me know. So I at least have a fighting chance to stop you.”

“It won’t happen again.”

“But if it does….”

“If we start talking to each other again, properly, like we used to, just you and me talking about us – not about the boys, not about work or the house, but just us, you and me….there won’t ever be an opportunity for this to happen again. Because I’ll have you again. I’ll have you back.

Arthur stared at Merlin for a long time. Then he nodded as if he’d come to a decision. Walking over to Merlin, he held out his hand to shake Merlin’s.

“Hi. I’m Arthur. I’d really like to get to know you better. Would you join me for a drink down at the coffee shop?”

Merlin looked confused, ignoring Arthur’s outstretched hand. “You're asking me out on a date?”

“I’m asking you to join me for coffee, away from here. In a coffee shop where we can just be Arthur and Merlin, and I can get to know you again.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Merlin shook Arthur’s hand. “Hi Arthur. I’d love to join you for a drink. I really want to get to know you too.”

Merlin smiled his shy smile at Arthur. Arthur responded with a grin.

“How about we walk there. It’ll give us more time to get to know each other.”

 

****

 

Because Merlin was so close to finishing the book he’s working on with Lance, he had to maintain contact with him. He changed their work schedule so that they communicated solely via phone and email. 

Although he managed to avoid face-to-face meetings with Lance, the phone calls were hard on Merlin. Lance had a beautiful voice and hearing it had always melted Merlin’s insides just a little bit. Merlin and Lance strove to keep the calls strictly professional and on the work at hand, but always, before hanging up, Lance would ask how Merlin was doing. As much as he wanted to, Merlin resisted confiding in Lance, knowing it would be a betrayal of Arthur. Instead he reassured Lance that he and Arthur were working on their relationship and it was nice that the family was getting back together. 

Arthur knew that Merlin was still in contact with Lance because of the book. Each day, would ask Merlin if had spoken to Lance that day, scrutinizing Merlin’s expressions to see if he was losing him again. Arthur soon realized that he could tell, even before asking, whether Merlin had spoken with Lance. On those days, Merlin would have a caged energy, a tautness like he was walking a fine line. On those days, when Arthur asked if he had spoken to Lance, Arthur would wait for the answer with a certain dread, waiting for the day Merlin would lie to him. But Merlin never did. 

The days that Merlin confirmed he had spoken to Lance, Arthur would retreat into his bedroom and not emerge until he had his emotions under control. But his brooding would set everyone else on edge and the household would exist in an uneasy peace.

 

****

 

A week later Arthur and Merlin were invited to dinner at Morgana and Leon’s. Jamie was away on a weekend football trip, and Colin was spending the night at a friends. The dinner was a chance for Morgana and Leon to catch up with Arthur and Merlin. 

The evening was relaxed and pleasant with a great meal that Leon cooked and served with an excellent wine. Striving to relieve some of the tension he was feeling, Merlin drank more than his normal one glass.

 

Once home, Arthur maneuvered a drunken Merlin into the bedroom, fighting Merlin’s attempts to snuggle.

They stopped by the bed and Merlin rested his head on Arthur’s shoulder, arms wrapped around Arthur’s waist. Merlin licked a stripe up Arthur’s neck.

“Stay with me, Arthur” he murmured, lips replacing his tongue.

Arthur tried to back out of reach. “You’re drunk Merlin.”

“I’ll make you feel good, I promise,” Merlin slurred, nibbling his jaw and pressing his body into Arthur’s. 

Arthur turned his head away. “Merlin - ”

Merlin clutched at Arthur’s shirt front, dragging his mouth across Arthur’s cheek. “Please, Arthur, touch me.”

“Stop it Merlin, you’re drunk. You need to sleep this off.”

“I need you.” Merlin tried to grind his hips into Arthur but Arthur pulled his body away.

“You need sleep.”

Merlin got more insistent. He moved his hands into Arthur’s hair, trying to pull him in for a kiss. “Please, Arthur, just a kiss - ”

“NO! Dammit, Merlin. You’re drunk.” Arthur wrenched Merlin’s hands from him, wincing as Merlin’s fingers pulled at his hair. “Just go to bed, Merlin.”

Arthur pushed him gently backwards and Merlin fell back on the bed.

Merlin looked back at him, near tears. “Why don’t you want me anymore? You never want me anymore.”

Arthur sighed and rubbed his eyes, defeated. “Just go to sleep, Merlin. You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying. You’ll regret this in the morning.”

Merlin crawled up on the bed and pulled a pillow into a hug. “You never want me anymore. You don’t love me anymore.” His eyes closed and he sagged into a drunken sleep, a single tear escaping to trail down his cheek.

Arthur flipped the bedspread around Merlin’s fully clothed form. He gently wiped away the tear, then kissed him on the brow. “I love you Merlin. I do love you.”

Arthur sat at the foot of the bed, looking at his partner. An incredible sadness descended on him. This was the first time that Merlin had initiated touching him, and he had to be drunk to do it. Arthur heard again Merlin begging for him and he closed his eyes in pain. Because as awful as it was to hear Merlin beg, what was worse was that Arthur had had absolutely no physical response to him. His body had remained cold, completely unaffected by Merlin rubbing up against him, licking him, trying to kiss him.

A sad slow tear trailed down Arthur’s cheek. He loved Merlin with all his heart, but his body couldn’t forget Merlin’s betrayal. The only thing Arthur could think of while Merlin had been trying to seduce him was that the last man Merlin had touched had been his lover. Arthur wondered bleakly if Merlin had begged his lover, like he had begged Arthur, had touched him, licked him, tangled his fingers through that man’s hair.

With a gasp at the pain that was like a dagger through his heart, Arthur rushed out of the room, turning off the light and closing the door behind him. He stumbled to his room and locked the door. He collapsed against the door and slid to the floor, retching sobs tearing from his soul as the betrayal once again buried him alive in pain.

 

The next day, a subdued Merlin came downstairs late in the morning. He nodded in acknowledgement of Arthur but didn’t speak to him. It was close to lunchtime when Merlin finally approached Arthur in the den, where he was doing some paperwork for the office.

“I’m sorry, Arthur.” Merlin said quietly. “I shouldn’t have done that last night.”

“It’s fine, Merlin,” Arthur answered, an edge of anger to his voice. He didn’t look up at him, just kept writing. “You were drunk. You never can hold your drink.”

Merlin was silent for a long time, watching Arthur work.

“I shouldn’t have tried to tempt you.”

“Believe me Merlin, you were no temptation.” Arthur said unthinkingly, frowning at the document he was writing.

“No. I never am anymore, am I?” Merlin whispered before disappearing from the doorway.

 

The next few days were tense between them, Arthur’s barely contained anger and Merlin’s sadness strained the tentative peace they had established. Their father’s moods affected Jamie and Colin who retreated from both parents, preferring to spend any time at home in their rooms.  
It was only late in the week when tensions settled and a fragile peace was reestablished. 

 

****

Merlin knocked on the open door of Colin’s room. Colin was at his easel working on a painting.

“Colin, I’m going to do laundry – make sure your dirty clothes are in the laundry room.”

Colin turned from his painting. “Already there Papa.”

Merlin looked over his son’s shoulder and his eyes widened at the artwork in progress. Stepping into the room, he walked over for a closer look. It was a radical departure from Colin’s usual style. Harsh clashing colours, jagged, piercing slashes slicing the canvas and jarring juxtapositions of shapes and slabs of paint all warred on the canvas. The raw, angry energy radiating off the canvas was overpowering in its intensity. Merlin stared at it open mouthed.

“It’s called ‘Lance’, said Colin, staring at his father.

Merlin’s breath caught and he turned a guarded face to his son.

“I heard you and Dad arguing a couple of nights ago. I heard you say the name of that man and I thought how appropriate it was. This painting is about the damage that your lance caused, how destructive he was.”

Merlin turned back to the painting, his thoughts flaring in denial. _You’re wrong son, he didn’t destroy me. He saved me. I was already dying inside and he saved me. He loved me when no one else did. ___

Colin watched his father’s face, saw the emotions chase across it, and he saw the incredible sadness and loss his father strived to hide from him, hide from the rest of the family. In a sudden burst of clarity and maturity, Colin saw Merlin not as his father, but as a very lonely man.

Colin pulled his father into a hug.

Merlin was startled by Colin’s sudden hug. Swallowing the lump of pain in his throat he asked, “What’s this for?”

Colin’s chin rested on his father’s shoulder. “Because you gave up whatever you had with him for us, and you’re still so sad and lost.”

Colin felt the shudder shake his father’s frame, and he felt the gulping breaths Merlin took to bring himself under control.

Merlin hugged his son tightly. “You’re worth it. You’re worth everything.”

Colin pulled out of the embrace and turned back to the painting.

“I’m changing the name of the piece to ‘consequence.’ Because this isn’t your Lance. Not to you.”

He picked up his paintbrush and continued painting.

Merlin walked out of his son’s room and into his bedroom, closing and locking the door. Then he walked to the ensuite and closed and locked that door too, leaning against the door and sliding to the floor before allowing himself to break apart.

 

When Arthur returned home from work, Merlin was in the kitchen preparing dinner, so immersed in his thoughts that he never heard Arthur. It wasn’t until Arthur placed a small bakery box on the counter in front of him that Merlin started into awareness.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“A treat – just for you, make sure the boys don’t get it.”

Merlin opened the box and found a single perfect creampuff – his favourite guilty pleasure.

“Why?” Merlin looked up at Arthur in enquiry. Arthur held back a frown when he saw Merlin’s reddened eyes, saw the lingering sadness there.

“You’re losing weight. You always do when you’re under stress. And you love creampuffs.”

Merlin smiled a small sad smile. “Thank you Arthur, it’s very thoughtful of you.”

“Merlin,” Arthur turned his partner to face him and lifted his face with a finger below his chin. “What’s the matter? You’ve been crying.”

_Hold me. Please just hold me, Merlin pleaded silently with his eyes. I really need you, Arthur, please just hold me. ___

“Merlin?”

Merlin pulled back, a wry twist of his lips substituting for a smile, eyes blinking furiously to banish tears. He took a deep breath.

“Rough day, that’s all. So thank you for the creampuff. If I save it for when the boys have gone to bed, we can share it together.”

Arthur let go of his partner. He knew Merlin hadn’t said what he really wanted to say. 

“The creampuff is for you, Merlin, not to share. But I’ll watch you eat it, if it makes you feel better.”

Merlin nodded and turned to hide the box in the cupboard.

“Dinner will be ready in about 20 minutes.”

Arthur gave Merlin’s shoulder a quick squeeze and left the room. He had a feeling he had missed something important.

 

TBC


	14. Epilogue 2 - Testing the Walls

In an attempt to get things back on an even keel, Arthur invited Merlin out for dinner the following Friday. He chose a restaurant that was new to both of them in the hopes that they could start some fresh memories.

They were enjoying a cautiously relaxed meal when Merlin’s name was called.

“Merlin.” 

His name was called like a caress, a faint accent giving it an exotic appeal. Merlin looked up and Arthur’s guts clenched and his heart stopped. Because….because for a fleeting instant, before the look of panic Merlin now wore, for a fleeting instant his eyes had flamed with desire.

The man approached their table and Arthur knew he was looking into the face of Merlin’s lover.

The man was gorgeous, male model gorgeous, the type of gorgeous that turned heads, as he was doing now.

The man’s whole attention was focused on Merlin and he was devouring him with his eyes, his smile teasing and loving.

“Hello, Merlin.”

Merlin was looking back at the man, his face a war of panic and smothered yearning. A blush stained his cheekbones.

“Lance.”

“It’s good to see you again. I’ve missed you.”

Merlin shot Arthur a frightened look.

“Lance, this is Arthur.”

Lance turned and the two rivals sized each other up.

“Arthur. The man I lost Merlin to.”

“He was never yours to lose.” Arthur ground out .

Lance smiled a lazy smile. “That is a matter open to interpretation, I think. But in the end, Merlin chose you.”

Lance looked back at Merlin, then reached out and gave his cheek a brief caress before turning back to Arthur. Arthur wanted to break his hand.

“Treat him well, Arthur. Because the next time you don’t want him anymore, I won’t give up so easily. A man like Merlin, there will always be someone else who will value him, even though you don’t.”

Arthur stood, enraged.

“Don’t you ever touch my husband again,” He snarled. “Merlin is mine, and he will stay mine. And if you ever come near him again, I will kill you.”

Rather than being menaced by Arthur’s threat, Lance smiled and nodded in approval.

“Good. It’s about time you fought for him. I’m glad you’ve finally recognized his worth. Don’t lose him again, Arthur.”

Lance bowed his head to Arthur and turned to bow to Merlin. “Be happy, Merlin. And if you’re not….”

Lance turned and walked away.

Merlin reached shakily for his wine glass and drained the remains in one swallow.

Arthur didn’t sit down again, just reached for his wallet. “We need to leave.”

Merlin nodded in agreement and followed Arthur to the till.

 

In the car, Arthur put the key in the ignition but didn’t start the car. They sat in silence for a few minutes, then Arthur pulled the keys out and passed them to Merlin.

“Take the car. I’m going to walk home.”

Merlin turned in alarm. “Arthur -”

“I just need to clear my head, Merlin. Take the car home. I’ll follow you shortly.”

“Arthur, Lance – I didn’t know he’d be here, I swear.”

“I know you didn’t Merlin. I just… I just need some space.”

Arthur reached out and mirrored Lance’s caress to Merlin’s cheek. “I do love you, Merlin. I wish to god I had never given you cause to doubt it.”

Arthur got out of the car and started walking.

 

Merlin stayed in the passenger seat, trembling. Seeing Lance again after so long had turned his blood to fire.

He and Arthur were trying, they really were, but Arthur was sleeping in the spare room. Any physical contact between them was limited to the occasional and accidental. A hand patting a shoulder, fingers touching when passing an object, brushing past each other in the hall.

Arthur hadn’t touched him properly in months. And seeing Lance again reminded him afresh of his touch. Even though Lance wasn’t Arthur, Merlin had been so starved for physical contact that the time he spent with Lance had been explosive – pure sex for the simple enjoyment of sex.

But now, he was back to how it had been before Lance. An endless starvation. Merlin groaned and dropped his head against the side window. His skin crawled with want, he burned with need. He curled his fingers into his palms, nails digging into the skin. Lance was right there in the restaurant. He knew if he called him, Lance would come out and he would be touched, caressed, kissed. He would once again feel the rush of release, held safe in someone’s arms. 

Arthur would never know. Arthur was out there somewhere, walking. He could do this, be with Lance, right here in the car and still be home before Arthur. All he had to do was make one phone call.

Merlin pulled out his phone and stared at it. He pulled up Lance’s number, carefully hidden under a fake name. He was balanced on the sword edge of temptation and he had to make a choice. His thumb hovered over the phone screen. He only had to press to connect.

An infinity later, Merlin stepped out of the car and went around to the drivers seat. He started the car and drove out of the parking lot and towards home.

 

Arthur stood in the shadows at the edge of the parking lot. He watched to see what Merlin would do, and when he didn’t move, Arthur started praying. He knew he was leaving Merlin to make a choice. He had seen the flush on Merlin’s cheeks, had seen his eyes darken with desire when he saw Lance. So Arthur had left him to make his choice. To pick Lance or to pick him. It seemed an eternity before Merlin stumbled out of the car and over to the driver’s side. It was only when Merlin pulled out and turned the car towards home that Arthur realized he was shaking. Merlin had chosen him.

 

****

 

Three weeks later the day arrived that Merlin was dreading. Merlin couldn’t avoid meeting Lance any longer. He has to sign off on the final graphics for the books and they need to do this at Merlin’s office, with his computer for any final corrections.

When the boys came home, Merlin asked them to spend the night at their Aunt and Uncle’s house as he needed to talk to their father. At the instant worried looks from the boys, Merlin assured them that it was just something that the fathers needed to work out but they needed privacy to do so.

The boys were packed by the time Morgana drove up to pick them up. Both boys gave him fierce hugs and he once again reassured them that both fathers would be there when the boys returned.

Once the boys had left, Merlin waited for Arthur to come home from work, nerves on overdrive.

When Arthur walked in the door, Merlin greeted him. He waited until Arthur went up to change before, with fear dogging his every footstep, Merlin followed Arthur to his room.  
Arthur turned in surprise when Merlin knocked on the doorframe.

“You don’t have to knock, you know,” Arthur said with a smile.

“I need to talk to you.” Merlin swallowed to calm the tremble in his voice.

Arthur instantly lost his smile and Merlin saw his defenses flash up.

“Sounds serious.”

Merlin nodded. “Tomorrow. The book is finished. Lance has to sign off on it.” Merlin took a deep breath to steady himself. “Lance has to come here, to approve the final graphics. It can’t be done any other way.”

Merlin held himself taunt to still the trembling in his muscles. He watched Arthur’s face and saw the thunderclouds crash in.

“NO!”

“There’s not other way, he has to -”

“He is not setting foot in my house ever again!”

“It’s the last time. Once - ”

“He is not entering this house!

“This house is also my office -”

Arthur went ballistic. It was a colossal meltdown, one like Merlin had never seen before, and it was vicious. Arthur screamed at him, throwing every accusation that had plagued him in Merlin’s face, accusing Merlin of resuming his relationship with Lance, accusing Merlin of lying to him again, calling Merlin a whore for throwing himself at his lover.

“How do I know you’re not still fucking him? That you’re not going behind my back to see him every day to fuck him?”

“I told you I’m not still seeing him! I haven’t seen him since the restaurant! I’ve told you every time I talked to him for business, every email, every contact. I’m a fucking prisoner to you. I told you it was over – why won’t you trust me?

“I did trust you and you screwed him for five weeks behind my back!”

“That was before! It’s over – I told you it’s over, why won’t you believe me?” Merlin flamed into anger and screamed back at Arthur, his frustrations spewing out. “I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me! 

“You still want him! Don’t bother denying it – I watched you at the restaurant. I saw your eyes when he walked up to you. I watched from the parking lot, I waited for you to decide if you were going to choose him or me. How do you think that felt, Merlin?”

“You watched me in the parking lot? You were testing me? What the fuck, Arthur! Why would you do that?”

“Because I had to know if you’d choose me. If you had the choice, would you choose me?”

“I did chose you, dammit! I chose you – I’m here. I stayed with you.”

“But you still want him! When you see him, you still want him. And you want to bring him here, to our home, to see him again.”

Merlin couldn’t stop the flush that reddened his cheeks. It was like a red flag of guilt to Arthur.

“How do I know you won’t end up back in his arms? How do I know you won’t fuck him again, in our house, like you’ve done god knows how many times before?”

“It won’t happen!”

“But you don’t deny it.”

Merlin reached the end of any control he had.

“Dammit! Yes. Is that what you want to hear? Yes, I still want him. Yes, I still think of sex with him. But I won’t let it happen.”

Arthur laughed in disbelief. “And you want me to trust you? After that? What the hell is so damn special about him that you keep sniffing around him like a bitch in heat? You can’t even talk about him without wanting him!”

Merlin glared back at him, ragingly angry. “You want to know, Arthur? You really want to know? Because it was fucking brilliant! The best sex I’ve ever had. Is that what you want to hear? You asked before what he was like – well here’s what he was like, Arthur. He made me crazy with wanting him. It was never enough with him. We never did it just once – there was always a second and third time because that’s how much I wanted sex with him.”

Arthur was stunned by Merlin’s confession.

“Shut up, Merlin. Just shut up.”

“No, you don’t get to tell me to shut up. You asked. You want to know how this happened, why it happened, so I’m telling -”

“Shut the fuck up!” Arthur roared

“Sex, Arthur. Fucking amazing, mind-blowing sex!” Merlin yelled back at him. “You sure as hell don’t want me anymore, so why not? Why not let someone else touch me?”

“You’re not his to touch!”

“Well, I’m not yours anymore. Christ, I can’t even remember when we had proper sex, not just you getting off inside me. He never did that, Arthur. I was always his priority – he always made sure I was satisfied, always did whatever I wanted, always-”

“Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!”

In a tower of rage, Arthur pulled back his fist. Merlin stared him down with ice in his veins.

“You want to hit me? Go ahead, Arthur. But if you do, you better make is a good one because you’ll only get one chance and I’ll be out that door so fast and at the nearest divorce lawyer.”

Arthur whirled away and with incredible self-control, brought his fist down, gulping deep breaths to bring his temper under control.

“I told you I would never hit you.” He said tightly. “No matter what you do, I’ll never hit you.”

“No, you find other ways to hurt me. Why beat me when you can abandon me, much cleaner, much less effort.”

“You abandoned me! You left me for _him _.” Arthur whirled back to face Merlin. “And you expect me to believe it won’t happen again if you had the chance? If you were alone with him here, in our house – can you guarantee it won’t happen again if he tried to touch you?__

Merlin sagged against the wall. “I told you. I promised you. It won’t happen again because I won’t let it happen. Regardless of what I want, I promise you it won’t happen again.”

“Regardless of what you want? That’s the problem, Merlin. It’s what you want. What you still want. How do I trust that?”

“You trust that because I’m making you this promise. It won’t happen again. As much as I want that, I want you more. I want our life together more. I want our family more.”

“So what does that mean? You didn’t want me before?”

“Before, I didn’t think….I didn’t know if you wanted me back.”

“And you know now?”

Merlin shook his head. “No, I don’t know. I’m just hoping.”

Merlin slid down the wall, arms crossed on his upraised knees, head buried in his arms.

Arthur leaned back against the wall, staring at his partner sitting on the floor. The silence stretched between them.

“What time is he coming over?”

“2:30”

Silence filled the room, each man lost in his own thoughts.

“I want to be here.” Arthur stared at the ceiling, studying the patterns in the plaster. “I can’t take the chance.”

“You don’t trust me.”

“I don’t trust you.”

Merlin nodded and struggled to his feet.

“Are you going to stand watch over us in the office?”

Arthur straightened too.

“No. I’ll be in the den.” The den was next door to the office. 

Merlin nodded then walked out. 

Arthur slumped down on the bed and dropped his head into his hands. Merlin’s word echoed over and over in his mind. _He made me crazy with wanting him. It was never enough with him. We never did it just once – there was always a second and third time because that’s how much I wanted sex with him. ___

Arthur didn’t realize he was crying.

 

The next day, Merlin struggled to concentrate on his work. Lance’s book was finished and just awaiting his sign-off, so Merlin tried working on another client’s job. He was nervous but he didn’t know what he was more nervous about – seeing Lance again, or knowing Arthur would be here for the meeting. He had changed his clothes four times, which he knew was ridiculous. He wanted to look good for Lance, but not like he had made an effort so that Arthur would notice.

It was 2 o’clock when he heard the front door open. Taking a deep breath, Merlin went to meet his partner.

“Arthur.”

“Merlin”

“You’re early.”

“Are you alone?”

“Lance is due at 2:30. I told you that.”

Arthur looked back and nodded. It remained unspoken that he had come home early in case Merlin changed the appointment time to be alone with his lover.

“I brought some work home with me. I’ll just be in the den.”

“Do you want tea? Did you have anything to eat?

“Tea please. I couldn’t eat.”

Merlin went into the kitchen to prepare a pot of tea for Arthur. He hadn’t been able to eat either so he prepared a mug for himself. Merlin brought the tea tray in to Arthur then headed back to his office. He couldn’t face sitting in the den waiting with Arthur.

Just before 2:30 the doorbell rang, and in separate rooms, Arthur and Merlin felt their heart stop.

Schooling his expression into neutrality, Merlin opened the door to Lance. The two stared at each other for a few moments before Lance smiled.

“Hello Merlin. I’ve missed you.”

“Lance, hi. Come in.”

Lance stepped into the hallway and Merlin closed the door. Lance reached out and gently caressed Merlin’s arm. Merlin stepped out of his reach.

“Arthur’s here.” 

He turned and led the way to his office. As they approached the den, Arthur stepped out and stared defiantly at Lance. Lance hid a smile and nodded at Arthur. Merlin didn’t breath again until Lance stepped unharassed into the office with him.

Merlin got right to work, keeping the meeting strictly professional. He knew that Arthur could hear every word. What Arthur couldn’t hear or see however was the looks that passed between the two, the occasional brief touch – Lance silently questioning, Merlin soundlessly reassuring. The two worked together reviewing each page of the final design.

In the den, Arthur read the same page over and over for half an hour before finally giving up the pretense. He desperately wanted to go into Merlin’s office and see what was going on, but the murmur of voices, most definitely discussing the book, said that the two men were working.

 

When the boys arrive home at 3:30pm, they were surprised to see Arthur step out of the den.

“Dad! What are you doing home so early?”

“Everything alright Dad?”

“Fine. I just decided to come home early today.”

“Where’s Pops?”

“Your father is in with a client.” 

There was something about the way Arthur said ‘client’ and the fact that he was home so early that registered with the boys. They realized who the client must be and they instantly tensed. 

“Boys, I need you to go to your rooms and stay there until the client leaves.”

Nodding, the boys headed down the hall and up the stairs. Passing by Merlin’s office, they couldn’t help glance in, but all they saw was the back of the client, looking over sheets of paper.

 

When both Lance and Merlin were satisfied with the final book draft, Lance signed off and was given a copy of the final draft printed out in full format and design.

“So….. this is it.” 

Lance held out his hand to shake Merlin’s. When Merlin took his hand, Lance closed his other hand on top. “You’re sure you won’t change your mind about the other two books? The money will be more with each book. This one is brilliantly designed. The set would look great with your talents on all the books.”

“I can’t. You know I can’t.”

Lance caressed Merlin’s hand and Merlin squeezed back before pulling his hand from Lance’s grip.

“It was great working with you. You’re a hell of a designer, Merlin.”

“Good luck with the other books. I know this one will be a success.”

Merlin turned and led Lance out of the office and to the front door.

At the door, Lance and Merlin said their goodbyes. Their project was over and they wouldn’t meet again. Both are very aware that Arthur is just down the hall and their conversation was whispered.

“Merlin.” Lance reached out and cupped Merlin’s cheek. 

For one last time, for just a few seconds, Merlin allowed himself to lean into the caress before pulling away.

“You matter, Merlin. Don’t ever forget that. If this is what you really want, then I wish you every happiness together.” 

“It is what I want. I love Arthur, I always have. I’m sorry, Lance.” 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything.”

Merlin opened the door and with a last goodbye, Lance walked out of his life.

Merlin closed the door and walked to the den.

“He’s gone.” The two words said so much. Gone from the house, gone as a client, gone as a lover, gone from Merlin’s life.

They stared at each other, not knowing what to do.

Merlin desperately wanted to reach out to Arthur, but he remembered what Arthur had said the last time he had tried to touch him.

“The boys are upstairs.” Arthur informed him.

Merlin nodded. “I have some work to finish up.” He turned and went back into his office.

Arthur sat on the couch feeling very, very old.

 


	15. Epilogue 3 - Brick by Brick

Arthur and Merlin sat in silence at the dinner table. Each playing with their food more than eating it. It had been a tough day for both of them. The build-up of over-sensitized stress and petty slights had set off a colossal row between them, and they were both so sick of fighting. The row was over nothing and solved nothing and left both worn out and despairing that they would ever get back on the right footing again.

Sick and tired of yet another fight, the boys were spending the night at Morgana and Leon’s, wanting to get away from the heavy atmosphere at home.

“Why don’t you love me anymore?” Arthur asked sadly.

“Why don’t you love me?” Merlin whispered back.

Arthur swallow three times before he could get his words out. He stared at his plate as the spoke.

“Since I the day I met you…… the one thing that always held me together, was knowing that you loved me. That I didn’t have to be anyone but who I was, and that was enough for you. You loved me for who I was…… But now, who I am…… it’s not who you want.” Arthur looked at him with eyes that had completely surrendered. “What am I even trying for? What’s left for me?”

Merlin was exhausted from fighting. “All I have to give you is me. But long ago, I stopped being enough for you. I’ve been in agony for so long, I can’t remember what it was like to be with you, without this hole in my heart.”

The two men sank into silence, each drowning in their own misery.

“I’ve forgotten what it’s like to hold you.” Arthur confessed dejectedly into the silence.

“I know.”

Arthur looked at the man sitting across from him. “I was complete with you. You made me whole. My world was right with you.”

Merlin looked back at him, intensely sad.

“I’m broken again,” Arthur muttered, defeated. “I lost you and I’m broken again.”

After long, silent minutes, Merlin struggled to his feet and stumbled over to Arthur. He dropped to his knees in front of him. Reaching out a hand, he caught one of Arthur’s tears. Arthur closed his eyes on that simple gesture.

“We have to stop this fighting, Arthur. We need to forgive each other or we’ll never heal,” Merlin said softly. Reaching up, he stroked Arthur’s hair. “I don’t want to fight anymore. I want to start loving you again. Can you love me again, Arthur?”

“Please, Merlin,” Arthur begged. He didn’t know what he was begging for. He was begging for everything.

Merlin looked at this man and saw his soul laid bare before him. Merlin cupped his jaw, a thumb gently stroking his cheek. “We’ll heal together, Arthur.”

Arthur leaned into the caress and nodded.

 

****

 

Later that week, when the boys came home, they found Arthur already home and dressed not in his business suit, but looking elegantly casual in dress pants and a red cashmere jumper.

“Dad?” Both boys stared at him. “What’re you doing home so early? Where’s Pops?”

“He’s upstairs changing. I’m taking your father out. On a date.”

“A date?” Colin’s voice cracked and sounded suspiciously like a squeak.

“A date. A real date? Like flowers and dinner and stuff?” Jamie asked gobsmacked.

“Yes, boys. A real date.”

“But it’s only 4:30 – where are you going this early?”

“I’m taking your Papa to a special place that we haven’t been to since before you were born. It’s out of the city, so we’re getting an early start.”

The fact that the boys were still staring at him with bewildered expressions, tugged at Arthur heart. It should not be this remarkable that he wanted to spend time with Merlin. It proved yet again how badly he had let things slide, how long it had been since he’d shown his sons how much he truly loved their father. Arthur cleared his throat.

“You two are on your own for supper tonight. We’ll be home late so house rules apply, okay?”

Both boys nodded.

“Uh, Dad, if this is a real date, shouldn’t you have flowers?” Colin asked.

Arthur’s face fell. Flowers. Hell it had been so long since he had courted Merlin he had forgotten the niceties. Like flowers. Merlin loved flowers.

“Don’t worry Dad, got ya covered. Give me two minutes!” Colin grinned then bolted for the back door.

Jamie walked over to Arthur and gave him a considering stare. “Does this mean…”

Arthur nodded. “Yes. Your Papa and I are finding our way back together. I love him Jamie. I want him back. I want ‘us’ back.”

Jamie smiled with pure happiness and threw his arms around his father. “Thank you Dad.”

Arthur laughed and hugged his son back. “For what?”

“For loving Pops again. It’s the best gift you could give me and Col. Just love each other again.”

Arthur squeezed his son tighter.

Jamie pulled out of the embrace. “Now tell me what you’ve got planned for the date.”

Arthur was sharing his plans when the back door banged open then slammed shut. Arthur cringed. “I swear that boy was born in a barn.”

Colin burst into the room with a huge grin, clutching a bouquet of flowers from the garden.

“Here you go, Dad, Papa will love these. We have Amaranthus for unfading love, Heliotrope for devotion, Honeysuckle for bonds of love, Salvia means forever yours, some fern for fascination and a red rose for true love.”

At the twin expressions of disbelief from the matching father and son, Colin shrugged. “What? An artist needs to know things. The meaning of flowers is very important. Put the wrong flower in a picture and you send totally the wrong message.”

“Jeez, Col – you are such a _girl! _” Jamie burst out laughing.__

Colin thrust the flowers at Arthur and scowled at his brother. “Fine! See if I bail your sorry arse out of trouble when you hand a girl pinks and marigolds!”

Colin stomped off down the hall to his room.

“I think you’ve upset your brother.”

“What the hell is a pink??”

 

“You realize it’s only 5pm?” Merlin asked from the passenger side of the car. He was wearing a jumper in a soft silver blue that brought out his beautiful blue eyes.

Arthur nodded.

“And we’re going to dinner?”

“Yep.”

Merlin sighed in exasperation. “Arthur, only old people go out to dinner at 5pm!”

Arthur started laughing.

“It will be well past five when we get to the restaurant, Merlin.”

Merlin looked at him in surprise.

“Where are we going that it’s going to take that long?”

“You’ll see when we get there.”

“Arthur…” Merlin growled in warning.

“Relax Merlin. We are on a date. I’m trying to woo you, so just sit back and enjoy the ride.”

Merlin sniggered. “Woo me???”

“Yes, Merlin. Woo you. Hence the flowers and dinner out at a restaurant that has special memories for us.”

Merlin sat back and looked out the window. Absently he reached up and touched the red rose that he wore as a boutonnière. A smile played on his lips. Colin had taught him the language of flowers. He knew the meaning of a blood red rose.

When Arthur turned onto the highway leading out of the city, Merlin sat up with interest. His mind filtered through special restaurants from years ago, ones that held special memories for Arthur and him. Suddenly he gasped, turning to Arthur in excitement.

“Maison Dominiques?”

Arthur grinned. “I thought you’d enjoy visiting there again.”

“Does it still exist anymore?”

Arthur laughed again. “Yes, it still exists, I checked. You always said it was one of the best restaurants you’ve been to.”

“I loved going there. It’s been so long. Thank you, Arthur.” Merlin gave him a brilliant grin and Arthur felt his heart expand until it just about burst out of his chest.

Merlin sat back, happily rhapsodizing about some of his remembered favourite dishes.

“Sounds like you’re going to order half the menu. Maybe I should stop at a bank machine and get some more money?”

Merlin grinned at him. “Chocolate pate with Chantilly cream, do you remember their chocolate pate, Arthur?”

“The one you declared you wanted to be buried in when you died?”

“God it was sublime. And their Crapes Suzette.” Merlin whimpered in remembered pleasure. “Do you think they’d still have Crapes Suzette? They made the best Crapes Suzette.”

As Arthur drove on, listening to Merlin listing all his favourite desserts, he realized how happy he felt. He reached out and took Merlin’s hand. Merlin twined his fingers through Arthur’s and smiled back at him, truly happy. 

It was the first time in months that Arthur had reached out to hold his hand. It was another stepping-stone towards their reconnection. They still slept in separate rooms, but the barriers were dropping. The casual touches had become more frequent. And now Arthur was holding his hand. It was going to be a wonderful evening.

 

****

 

The music pulsed around Jamie as he laughed with his friends. Tucked under his arm, Sophia’s eyes sparkled up at him as she laughed at what Jamie had said. She stood on tiptoe and dropped a quick kiss on his lips. Jamie pulled her in tighter and kissed the top of her head.

The party was at Andrew’s house and everyone there was specifically invited, mostly seniors from school like Jamie, with a few more popular juniors. Jamie scanned the crowded room and quickly found who he was looking for. On the other side of the room, his brother was in a group of his own, made up of mostly of ex-girlfriends, despite having his arm around his current flame.

Colin was one of the most popular kids at school. His easy, laidback manner, messy long dark curls, big silver-blue eyes and kind, quirky, gentle ways easily earned him loads of friends. He had the remarkable ability to attract girlfriends who remained friends after their relationship broke up. Girls seemed to want to take care of him, protect him and do him all at the same time. Based on the gossip Jamie heard, one of the reasons Colin was so loved by the girls was that he was a perfect gentleman who never treated girls like sex objects.

Colin glanced Jamie’s way and the brothers locked eyes in unspoken communication. _Alright? Yeah, all good, you? All good. _They smiled at each other before returning their attention to their own group.__

Jamie drained the last of his drink – straight soda, although no one at the party need know that. He’d had one drink at the start of the night then switched to plain soda. Dad had let him use the car with the strict promise that he would not drink and drive, and that he’d keep an eye on his brother. Jamie had no intention of screwing up that privilege. 

Sophia held out her empty cup to him and asked for a refill. Taking both cups, Jamie wound his way through the crowd towards the kitchen where the bar was set up. It was marginally quieter in the kitchen, mainly due to less people and the stereo being in the livingroom. 

Jamie was refilling the cups when a hand landed on his shoulder.

“Hey Mate, everything alright?”

Jamie turned and smiled at Andrew. “Yeah, good. Nice of your folks to let you have the party, how did you swing that?”

Andrew looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear, then leaned in and whispered in Jamie’s ear. “Under threat of death, do not tell anyone. The parents are upstairs in their bedroom. They said they’d only come down if there was trouble or the party got out of hand.”

Jamie laughed. “No shit? Man, you’ve got the coolest parents.” Jamie pointed at the bar. “And they’re okay with the booze?”

“They know we’ll find a way to drink, so they figured it was better that we do it in a controlled environment. If you look out on the street, you’ll see a couple of cabs waiting. Dad hired them for the night. My job is to grab car keys if anyone leaves too drunk to drive. If they bitch, I point out the waiting cabs.”

Jamie grinned at Andrew, and tipped his cup at him. “Straight orange soda. I’ve got Dad’s car and promised to stay sober. Besides, I still have pretty horrific memories of trying to puke out all my internal organs from the last time I got drunk.”

Andrew smiled at him and a secret memory passed between the two. “Everything alright at home now?”

Jamie shrugged. “They’re working on it. Dad’s taking Pops out on dates. It would be kinda embarrassing if it wasn’t so damn cute. Which is itself way too embarrassing to admit out loud.” Jamie laughed self-consciously.

“Hey, my folks still go out on dates. Dad says with his schedule at the hospital, it’s the only way he can make sure Mom still remembers him.”

“Well, the dads seem to be happier these days. They hardly ever fight anymore. Although they’re still sleeping in separate rooms, so guess not everything is getting back to normal.”

“Give them time. And good on them for sticking this out. Most people these days would have thrown in the towel and walked away from each other.” Andrew slung an arm around Jamie. “So how are you doing? I saw you with Sophia. You two back together?”

Jamie had been dating Sophia when the parent crisis had hit. He’d broken up with her in the aftermath, needing to focus all his energy on the crisis at home.

“Yeah, we got back together a couple of weeks ago. She understood about the break-up, why I couldn’t be a couple back then. It’s nice to have her back.”

“So, you’re a serious couple again? _Serious _-serious?”__

Jamie looked at Andrew suspiciously. “Serious-serious? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“ _Sex! _Are you doing her?”__

Jamie stared at Andrew in disbelief. “What the hell kind of question is that? You can’t ask that.”

“What?” Andrew looked back in all innocence. “I’m just asking if you’re getting any.”

“None of your damn business!”

“So that’s a no, then?”

“That’s a ‘none of your damn business!’ Sophia’s a great girl and I’m not about to smear her name by gossiping with you about our sex life.”

“So that’s a yes, then?”

“None of your bloody business, Andrew!”

“All right, all right, cool your jets. Sophia is a great girl and I’m glad you’re back with her. You deserve someone nice. Just remember, if you’re gonna ‘play house’, play safe, as my dad always says.”

Jamie rolled his eyes and pushed away from his friend. “First the dads and now you. It’ll be a wonder if I ever get near a girl without tripping over a mountain of condoms!”

“So that’s a definite no, then?” Andrew called after his departing friend.

Jamie held up a hand and gave his friend a two-fingered salute as he walked out of the kitchen with his drinks.

 


	16. Finale - Part 1: Another Step Closer

There was a whole new atmosphere in the Pendragon household and Colin watched with a gladdening heart as his parents they found their way back together. He watched as they found their footing to having proper conversations and spending time together just as a couple. He watched when they reached the brink of fighting then took a step back, forcibly calming themselves and opening themselves to resolution not confrontation. He watched as for the first time in a very long time they laughed and joked together.

But he couldn’t help feeling that something was still missing. Yes, Dad and Papa still slept in separate rooms, but he knew that wouldn’t be forever. The dads held hands now while walking together. Dad would rest his hand on Papa’s shoulder occasionally when passing by him, and Papa would squeeze Dad’s arm affectionately. But there was another level of connection that was still missing and Colin didn’t know what it was. 

Until one day when he came home late from school and walked in on Papa hugging Dad and he knew _that _was it. Colin grin of happiness faded as he saw Papa’s face over Dad’s shoulder. Papa face was pure anguish, until he pulled a mask back over his face and pasted on a smile. When Dad pulled out of the embrace, Colin realized that it wasn’t Dad, but Jamie. Jamie was almost an identical copy of Dad – same build, a little taller, his hair longer, same looks, but Jamie’s face still had the look of youth, still had to grow into maturity, and his eyes had a hint of green, inherited from his birth mother.__

Jamie turned and spotted Colin. 

“Hey Col!” Jamie laughed and came over to Colin. “I got my letter today. I’ve been accepted into Camelot University _and _I got the scholarship. You, little brother, are looking at the future physiotherapist to the future British Olympic footie squad!” From all his footie playing, Jamie had developed an interest in the mechanics of sports fitness.__

Colin laughed and pounded his brother on the back. “God help our Olympic chances then! Congrats, couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.”

“Pops said we’re going out to celebrate – my choice of restaurant.”

“Oh Papa, you didn’t!” Colin groaned. “You know he’s gonna choose…”

“Uncle Willy’s All You Can Eat Buffet!” the two brothers said in unison.

Merlin smiled at his sons, maintaining a brittle hold on his composure. When Jamie had hugged him, for just a single, split-second, he had felt the solid, well-remembered body of Arthur, not that of his son. Jamie had held him in a way that Arthur hadn’t for almost a year.

Merlin watched his two sons argue about the choice of restaurant. Leaving them to their debate, he headed up to his bedroom – his bedroom, no longer his and Arthur’s room.

All the way there, he took deep, calming breaths, repeating the mantra that had become his cornerstone for coping. _Arthur loves me again. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t want me, I can live without him wanting me, as long as he loves me. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t want me, it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t want me, it doesn’t matter…” ___

Except that it did.

Deep, deep down, buried so deep that Merlin dared not look there, it did matter. It mattered so much that it hurt to even acknowledge it, but Merlin couldn’t afford to let it out. He couldn’t jeopardize everything that he and Arthur were rebuilding together. So he buried it, deep, deep down where only he knew it existed.

In the bedroom, he walked over to the bedside table and pulled out the journal he kept there. He’d kept a journal on and off through the years, but with everything that had happened, he found the only way he could keep his sanity these days was to just write. And what he wrote were letters to Arthur, letters that he would never see, but in which Merlin poured out his feelings, all the things he couldn’t, wouldn’t say, because he had to be so careful to maintain the peace. He poured out all the love he felt for his partner and all the longing that had been crushed when Arthur had said those fateful words _‘Believe me, Merlin, you were no temptation.’ ___

Arthur had started touching him more, just casual touches that meant nothing, a hand brushing his arm, a casual arm slung across his shoulder as Arthur peered over his shoulder, holding hands, but never tightly. Merlin lived for those momentary touches but he was always careful not to push the contact, always aware that he was no temptation. He didn’t think he could bear the pain of Arthur rejecting him again. Merlin took out his pen and started writing.

 

It was during dinner, as Colin watched his dads together, that he remembered Papa’s sadness during the hug and he realized that was it. What was missing. The dad’s didn’t touch anymore, not properly. Just quick gestures and occasionally holding hands. Papa was missing Dad’s touch, Dad’s hugs. Colin suddenly realized that before – a long time before, the dads were always touching. One would pull the other into an embrace, or when watching TV, they used to be tucked together. It used to be commonplace for one to slip his arms around the other when he was busy preparing dinner. Colin realized with a start that he honestly couldn’t remember the last time he saw the dads embrace.

“Oi! I’m talking to you. Earth to Col.” Jamie nudged Colin to get his attention.

Colin stopped playing with his food and looked up startled.

“You okay, son?” Arthur reached out and rubbed Colin’s back. “You’re looking very thoughtful and serious.”

“Oh sorry, it’s nothing. Just um, thinking about Jamie going away to uni,” Colin improvised.

“What, you saying you’re gonna miss me?”

“No. Just wondering if we could knock down the wall between our rooms so I could have a bigger room once you’re gone.”

That started a playful row between the brothers as the dads looked on in affection.

 

Later that night when Arthur came up to say goodnight to Colin, he decided to talk to his dad about the hug.

“Hey Dad, can we talk for a minute?”

“Sure, son. What’s on you mind?” Arthur pushed Colin’s legs aside and sat on the side of the bed.

“You and Papa, you guys love each other again, don’t you?”

“I never stopped loving your Papa, but yes, we love each other again. Why?”

“Well it’s just…I think you need to hug Papa.”

Arthur’s eyes widened in surprise. “Hug your Papa?”

“Yeah, I think he really misses your hugs.”

“Did he say something?”

“No, it’s just…I’ve been watching him. He really likes it when you touch him. But you two never hug anymore and I really think Papa misses it. I think you need to hug Papa.”

Arthur sighed. “Colin, you know that that part of your Papa and my relationship is not up for discussion. Our physical relationship is off limits to you boys.”

“But just a hug, Dad….”

“Colin, leave it alone. There are things you are not privy to. Your Papa and I are working on our marriage, but it is a private matter between the two of us…”

“But a hug…”

“Enough. What happens between your Papa and I, is up to the two of us, not you. Now go to sleep, it’s a school day tomorrow.”

Colin sighed and slipped down into the bed. 

“Night Dad. I still say you should hug Papa – at least think about it.”

“ _Good night _, Colin!”__

Arthur closed the door behind him. He thought about what Colin had said on his way back downstairs. He met Merlin coming out of the den.

“Hey, I was just heading up to bed myself.”

Arthur looked at his partner, eyes roaming around that beloved face.

“Arthur? Something wrong?”

Arthur shook his head. “Nothing. You head up. I’ll shut everything off and be up shortly myself.”

Merlin nodded and turned to leave. Arthur’s hand shot out and grabbed Merlin’s arm. Merlin turned questioningly. Arthur brushed his hand in a soft caress over Merlin’s cheek.

“Sleep well. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

For a brief moment, Merlin leaned into the caress before pulling away and smiling tightly.

“Good night, see you tomorrow.”

Then he turned and walked up the stairs. Arthur stood and watched him, his son’s words echoing round and round in his head.

 

****

Over the next few days, Arthur took careful note of Merlin’s reactions to his casual touch. The way he pressed his arm into Arthur’s hand when he touched him, the way he leaned into the arm that Arthur slung across his shoulder, the way his fingers twined in Arthur’s whenever they held hands. And each time, Arthur noted the smile that played across Merlin’s lips but didn’t quite reach is eyes. Each time Arthur saw that absent smile, a tiny voice in the back of his mind replayed Merlin’s words _…. the best sex I’ve ever had….. he made me crazy with wanting him….. it was never enough with him _. And Arthur would pull away.__

 

It was Saturday and Arthur decided a change of scenery was needed for him and Merlin. During breakfast he mentioned going for a drive to the countryside to walk a local trail.

“Yeah, I love the Lochside trail, it's gorgeous this time of year, Dad. The wild flowers will be in full bloom and I could get some great photos of…” Colin trailed off as he saw Arthur’s eyes widen and the slight shake of his head, his eyes darting to Merlin in clear meaning. “Um, oh wait, just remembered. I promised Will I’d go to his place to help him with….uh…. something he has to do. You two have a great time together.”

Colin gathered up his toast and mug of tea and headed back to his room.

“What was that about?” Merlin asked puzzled. “First he wanted to come then he didn’t. Jamie, do you want to join us?”

“Sorry can’t, Pops. The guys are getting together a pick-up footie game. You two have fun though.” Jamie gathered his mug and followed his brother out of the room.

Merlin smiled at Arthur. “Looks like it’s just the two of us. Want to do a picnic?”

 

Three hours later, Merlin and Arthur were picnicking on a bluff overlooking the sea. They had stopped at a deli on the way and packed the food in their packs.

It was a gloriously sunny day with just a slight breeze. They had had a relaxed walk, admiring the scenery, passing and acknowledging other people also walking the trail, and at one point stopping to admire some highland cattle in a neighbouring field. As was their way, they talked together of anything and everything that didn’t relate to the boys or to them being fathers. Today it was just Arthur and Merlin, two men enjoying each other’s company.

Later, as they packed up the picnic, Merlin smiled a genuine smile at Arthur.

“This was a great idea, thanks Arthur.”

Without thinking, Arthur smiled and stepped forward, pulling Merlin into a hug. But instead of meeting him, Merlin stiffen and pull his body back. Rebuffed, Arthur dropped his arms.

“Merlin? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing’s wrong.” Merlin refused to meet his gaze and turned, taking a few steps away from Arthur.

“Hey!” Arthur reached out and grabbed Merlin’s shoulder, turning him to face him.

“Merlin. I was just going to hug you, that’s all.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Merlin’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. “You don’t have to do that. I’m okay without you doing that.” In truth, Merlin didn’t think he could stand a casual hug from Arthur without breaking apart.

“What do you mean I don’t have to?” Arthur was perplexed.

Merlin dropped his head and his voice was so soft Arthur had to strain to hear him.

“I know you don’t want to touch me like that anymore. I can….I can live with that.”

“Live with…. Merlin, what the hell are you on about?”

Merlin gritted his teeth, his expression mortified, a blush of shame brushing his cheeks. He looked like he was close to tears.

“I know I don’t tempt you like that anymore.” He swallowed forcefully. “I can live without your touch as long as we’re still together in other ways. As long as you’re still my partner.”

Arthur was stock still. “What do you mean, you don’t tempt me like that anymore?”

“You said that the last time I tried to touch you. You didn’t want me. You said I was no temptation to you anymore.”

Arthur’s mind whirled back to previous conversations he and Merlin had had in the last few months. Suddenly his eyes widened in remembrance.

“Merlin – you were drunk that night. You didn’t know-”

“I wasn’t that drunk and I did know. I knew what I was doing. I wanted you. I wanted you to touch me so much and you just pushed me off, pushed me away.”

“You were drunk, I thought you’d regret it in the morning.”

“I didn’t though. The next morning, I didn’t regret trying. But when I apologized for trying, you said…”Merlin’s voice broke and he took a deep breath to swallow down a sob. “You said I was no temptation at all.”

Merlin whirled away and stared walking down the path, head bowed, shoulders defeated.

“Wait! Merlin wait!” Arthur hurried after him, caught him by the arm and pulled him around to face him. He raised Merlin’s face with a hand under his chin. “I thought you were drunk. That was the first time you’d tried to touch me since….since…..” Arthur sighed. “I thought that you felt you had to be drunk to do it. You had to be drunk to want me again.”

Merlin looked at Arthur, eyes widened in understanding. He shook his head. “I just wanted you to hold me again, like you meant it, like you used to.”

“Oh Merlin.” 

Arthur slipped his arms around Merlin and the two slid naturally into a hug, bodies meeting, arms around each other, heads cradled on each other’s shoulder, faces buried in each other’s neck. A shudder passed through them at this first contact in so long.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Merlin’s voice cracked.

Arthur pulled him in tighter, one hand slowly rubbing his partner’s back. Merlin felt so right in his arms, so right held tight against his heart.

“I’m sorry, my love. I’m so sorry. I never meant you to feel unwanted.” Arthur kissed the dark hair. “I thought you couldn’t want me unless you were drunk, and that hurt like hell. You’d never tried to touch me before.”

“You never tried to touch me either.”

_….the best sex I’ve ever had….. he made me crazy with wanting him….. it was never enough with him _. The voice returned to Arthur as he held Merlin. Yet Merlin was here, in his arms, clinging tightly to him, not Lance, but Arthur.__

“I love you, Merlin. And if you’ll let me, I think we should do a lot more hugging.”

Merlin huffed a laugh into Arthur’s neck.

“Yeah, more hugs. I love being in your arms.”

Arthur smiled into Merlin’s hair. Small steps. They were finding their way back with small steps.

The return trip to the car actually took longer then the trip out. Whenever one or the other found a reason to stop to admire something, their arms went around each other. By the time they reached the car, they were walking with their arms around each other.

 

The following Thursday, Colin passed his Dad sitting at the kitchen table, and dropped a kiss on his cheek. Arthur looked up in surprise.

“What was that for?”

“Papa’s so much happier now. And so are you. Told you that you needed to hug him. I love being right.”

Arthur laughed as his son left the room grinning.

 

****

 

That Saturday, Arthur took Merlin to dinner at a riverside restaurant, with lovely gardens leading down to the water. They ate outside under the stars and a crescent moon, amidst the flowers, and the meal had been nothing short of full-on romantic. 

After the meal, they strolled the gardens and to the water, arms entwined. At the waterside, Merlin left Arthur’s arms and bent down to pick up a pebble. Holding the pebble to his lips, he whispered a wish before skimming it across the water, skipping the stone an impressive 5 times before it sank.

“What did you wish for?” Arthur smiled at his partner.

Merlin turned and smiled secretly back at him, lashes lowered on those amazing cheekbones. “It won’t come true if I tell you.”

Merlin glanced up at him and Arthur’s breath caught at the sheer magical beauty of Merlin in the moonlight. His skin glowed pale, his lips deepened to a blood red and in his eyes, the crescent moon was reflected, surrounded by his silver irises. Merlin looked like a water sprite that had just stepped out of the river and Arthur fell in love all over again. 

Without thinking, still gazing into Merlin’s eyes, he stepped closer and cupped that beloved face, leaned in and kissed him. 

As soon as his lips touched Merlin’s, Arthur realized what he was doing and his eyes snapped open but his lips remained. He faced a shocked Merlin, eyes slightly crossed, looking back at him. Then Merlin closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss, and Arthur’s eyes slid closed.

It was electric. It was the first kiss they had shared in months. The first proper, on the lips, kiss.

When the kissed ended, it was hard to say who was more affected, but when they both moved to repeat the kiss, there was no doubt in their minds. Merlin stepped closer to Arthur and slipped his arms around him, just as Arthur’s arms reached around to hold him close. Both of them strained to give and take after being starved for so long, both of them not wanting the moment to end.

And there in the moonlight, they took another step closer.

 

****

 

The next morning, Sunday, Arthur and Merlin worked together in the garden while the boys slept in. It was another gorgeous day and while Arthur cut the lawn, Merlin worked in the flowerbeds. Jamie had taken over the lawn cutting duties when Arthur started working weekends, while Colin preferred working in the flowerbeds, communing with the flowers and often stopping to sketch a particularly beautiful or interesting blossom in his ever-present pocket sketch book . With Arthur’s return to the family, he would often take over the lawn cutting duties, especially if Merlin was also out in the gardens – which left Jamie to weeding duties, much to his dismay.

While Arthur ran the lawn mower up and down the yard, Merlin gathered together a bouquet of flowers for the house, then flagged down Arthur’s attention. Once the lawn mower was turned off, Merlin walked over and, with a soft smile, handed Arthur a red rose. Arthur took the rose and then leaned over and kissed Merlin.

In the house, Colin slumped into the kitchen, yawning, to get a drink of apple juice. Casually glancing out the window into the backyard, he did a double-take at what he saw, then went pelting up the stairs, screaming for his brother.

“Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, come see, you gotta come see, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie…”

Jamie stepped out of his room, still in pajamas, scratching his bed head.

“What the hell, Col?”

“Come see, come see,” Colin grabbed Jamie’s arm and dragged him into the master bedroom, where the window overlooked the back garden. 

“Look!” Colin pointed to the yard. “Look! Look! Look! Look!”

Jamie looked out into the yard and shook his brother off his arm.

“Calm down for Christ’s sake, it’s just the dads kiss….kisss….Oh my God!! The dads are kissing!! Col, the dads are kissing!”

“I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,” Colin was bouncing with happiness.

The brothers broke into slightly hysterical laughter and pounded each other on the back.

Down in the garden, while Arthur James Pendragon and Merlin Emrys Pendragon rediscovered the utter bliss of kissing the one person they loved most in the entire world, upstairs in the master bedroom, James Arthur Pendragon and Colin Emrys Pendragon did a crazy little dance punctuated with fist pumps and chest bumps.

 

*****

 

Arthur sat at his desk at work, his mind refusing to concentrate on the document in front of him. Instead, his eyes constantly slid to the photo of Merlin he had on his desk and a silly smile refused to leave his face.

It had been a great week and an amazing weekend. From the initial hug during their walk, he and Merlin had found every occasion and reason to hug or to just be together. And then this weekend…this weekend. Arthur unconsciously touched his lips, remembering the feel of Merlin kissing him. They had shared so many wonderful kisses. After dinner on Saturday night, after that first magical kiss, he and Merlin had done nothing but kiss and cuddle like a couple of teenagers. It had been so amazing rediscovering the magic of kissing Merlin again. The man really did have the most amazing lips.

“Good god, Pendragon, are you mooning?” Alastair Kilgarrah, vice president of finance stood in the doorway to Arthur’s office with a smirk on his face. 

When Arthur looked up and blushed, Alastair laughed and walked up to his desk. Grabbing the picture of Merlin, he turned it around to look at it, then frowned in puzzlement.

“I don’t understand. This is Merlin.”

Arthur smiled back at him, taking the picture back.

“Yes it is.”

“So what’s with the mooning? You two have been together since dinosaurs roamed the earth.”

“A man can still appreciate his partner.”

“Yes, but you looked like a love-sick teenager. Something special happen this weekend to put that smarmy smile on your face?”

“Sometimes you just have to remember how special your partner is, that’s all.”

“What the hell is going on with you, Arthur? The whole office has noticed.”

Arthur was instantly on alert. If there was one thing he despised, it was office gossip.

“What do you mean the whole office has noticed?”

Alastair settled on the corner of Arthur’s desk. “Well in the four years that I’ve worked here, you went from a committed family man, to a workaholic who was in the office when I got here and still here when I left and you worked weekends. Then out of the blue, you actually took two days off and suddenly you’re a new man, leaving on time and spending weekends at home. For the last couple of months your moods changed with the winds – sometimes you were fine, sometimes you were something that crawled out of hell. Then, the last few weeks, you’re almost back to your normal self, smiling, happy. And now I walk in here and find you mooning over Merlin like a girl. Anything you want to share that explains all that?”

Arthur purposefully blanked his expression. “There’s nothing to explain. Life happens. And sometimes, if you’re lucky enough, you rediscover what makes it so damn good. In my case, Merlin.”

“Hmmm.” Alastair pushed off Arthur’s desk and walked back to the door. “Well whatever’s going on, on behalf of the office, may I just say that we are all grateful to Merlin for the return of the older and infinitely more pleasant managing director.

“I’ll be sure to give him your regards. Now bugger off, I’ve got work to do.”

After Alastair left, Arthur actually managed a whole five minutes of work before his eyes drifted back to Merlin’s picture and the memories rolled back into his mind.

It had been years since he and Merlin had snogged like they had this weekend. Arthur remembered the utter joy of lavishing kisses on Merlin’s amazing lips, his incredible cheekbones and his marvelous, long, lean neck. Arthur had cornered Merlin in the laundry room and against the kitchen counter. Merlin had found Arthur in the shed and in the hallway. And there had been a particularly memorable upside-down kiss when Merlin had come up behind Arthur, who was sitting at the kitchen table, tilted his head back and ravished his mouth, upside-down.

 

As wonderful as the weekend had been, as much as he loved kissing Merlin, Arthur made sure their togetherness never went further than kissing and necking. As much as he wanted Merlin, he couldn’t bring himself to take the next step. Because as illogical as he knew it was, he couldn’t forget Merlin’s words. As much as Merlin was responding to his kisses and caresses, he couldn’t forget Merlin’s words about his lover _….the best sex I’ve ever had….. _Arthur couldn’t forget so he always pulled back before taking that final step…and learning for himself that the words were true, that he had not measured up, had disappointed Merlin – again. And as if to prove his concern, Merlin always pulled away at a certain point, content with just receiving Arthur’s kisses and touch, smiling that enigmatic smile of understanding that drove Arthur crazy.__

For his part, Merlin was just as frustrated as Arthur, that their time together never went further then kisses and caresses. And Merlin was also remembering words, words that Arthur had uttered _….believe me Merlin, you were no temptation _. Yes, Arthur had said he never meant them, but if that were true, why was Arthur still pulling away from him? It was as if Arthur was only prepared to go so far to prove his point. Still, what they had now, was better then what had been before, so Merlin swallowed his disappointment, and at the first sign of Arthur pulling away, Merlin forced himself to withdraw, and to just accept what Arthur was prepared to give.__

There was one final piece that held Arthur back. Merlin still had not put his wedding ring back on. For Arthur, that symbol of their marriage was a key telling point. Merlin had removed it when he had first gotten involved with Lance. The fact that it was still off, for Arthur, meant that Merlin was still not fully committed to their marriage.

For Merlin, it meant the same thing, but for a different reason. He often took the ring out and slid it on his finger. The ring was a symbol of a full and complete marriage of mind and body. But Arthur didn’t want his body, didn’t want him fully. So Merlin would pull it off again and put the ring back in the drawer. When – _if _¬ the time ever came when Arthur claimed him fully, he would proudly wear the band again. But until then….__

 

And so they continued for the next few weeks, each wanting more from the other, each pulling back for their own reasons, and each slowly driving the other one crazy with need.

It was the boys who provided the incentive to break this never-ending circle of frustration. 

During supper one night, Jamie piped up. “Hey Pops, next month is school break. Are we doing anything?”

Merlin nodded. “I was thinking of going up to Scotland. We can drive there and tour around, see the main cities and then go out on the lochs. I’ve always wanted to see the Scottish countryside.”

The boys groaned in unison.

“Scotland? Really Papa?” Colin moaned.

Merlin smiled at him. “Scotland, really. You can even take a turn driving, Colin. You can use the practice for taking your road test.”

Colin brightened slightly at the chance to drive.

“Oh God, driving around Scotland with my brother at the wheel – Jeez Pops, why don’t you throw in a bagpipe competition to really make this hell complete.”

Arthur burst out laughing, quickly smothering his mouth with his hand. He and the boys shared a loathing for bagpipes while Merlin, for some bizarre reason, loved the noisy contraptions.

“Maybe we could visit some distilleries?” Colin offered helpfully.

“Both of you are underage, so no.”

“Hang on a sec,” Arthur interjected, “If the boys are going to drive, you and I could sample a couple of whiskey distilleries.”

All three of them looked at him.

“Um, Dad. Are you coming on this holiday with us?” Jamie asked cautiously. 

Arthur had begged off joining the family on vacations for the past year and a half. Now he hated the trepidation in his son’s voice caused by his abandonment of his family.

“If you’ll let me.”

Their enthusiastic response was a balm to Arthur’s heart.

Arthur watched and listened as Merlin and the boys discussed the planned holiday. As he listened, he realized that this Scotland trip was Merlin’s dream, and the boys were less then eager. It was then that he started forming his own plans.

He was slowly going crazy with want for Merlin, and he knew, he felt, Merlin’s own want, but somehow, they never crossed that line to a full relationship. Perhaps what they needed was to get away together, someplace they could be just Arthur and Merlin, and not the boys fathers. Someplace with no responsibilities, no daily pressures, someplace they could just relax together and rediscover each other. Arthur smiled as he began making his own plans.

 

****

 

Arthur knocked on Jamie’s open door “Jamie, can you come into your brother’s room for a minute?”

Then Arthur knocked on Colin’s door and walked in, followed by Jamie. He indicated the two boys should sit on the bed and he sat at Colin’s desk.

“I want to talk to you two about your father.”

“Is everything all right?” Colin’s face flashed with concern.

“But you’re getting along so well,” Jamie said defensively.

“It’s nothing like that.” Arthur got up and started pacing. “I wanted to let you boys know that….I’m going to propose to your father. And I need your help.”

Jamie and Colin looked at each other in puzzlement.

“Um, Dad…aren’t you and Pops already married?” Jamie asked.

“Yes we’re already married. It’s just….I don’t know if you boys have noticed, but even though your dad and I have been getting along much better, and we are working our way back together, your father still doesn’t wear his wedding ring.”

“Yeah, I noticed that too,” Colin nodded. Jamie looked at him in surprise.

“The thing is, with everything that’s happened, your dad and I need to make a new start. So I’m going to propose to him. And I need a ring.”

“You want us to steal Papa’s ring for you?” Colin asked.

“What? No! No, I don’t want you to steal anything. I want to give him a new ring, to signify our new relationship. And I need your help with that.”

“You want us to come ring shopping with you?” Jamie asked, fairly horrified.

“No. I don’t want to buy him a new ring. I want to have one made and that’s where I need your help.”

“Dad, I know a lot of artsy stuff, but I don’t do jewelry making.” Colin said.

“You don’t make jewelry, but you are incredibly talented in design. Colin, I want you to design a new ring for your Papa, and Jamie, I want you to help with it. I want this ring to be something that all three of us contributed to so that when your Papa wears it, he’ll know - and he’ll never again forget, that he is surrounded by people who love him.”

Colin bit his lip, his eyes shining with unshed tears as he nodded his consent. Jamie swallowed the lump in his throat before saying softly. “Wow, Dad. That’s an amazing idea. Pops is gonna love it.”

Arthur smiled at his boys. “Colin, you know your Papa’s taste in design. I want this ring to be symbolic of our family, but also a symbol of my love for your father. Make it wonderful. Make it something that Papa will be proud to wear.”

Colin scrambled off the bed and pulled out his drawing pad and pencil. “I’ll do up some concept designs, Dad. Then we can sit together and pick and choose the bits we like until we come up with a design we all agree on.”

Jamie frowned. “Uh, Dad. I’m not really the artsy-fartsy type, I don’t think I can contribute much to the ring.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Jamie,” Colin cut him off. “I am going to make sure that you have just as much input into this design and I do. I’ll just happen to be the one who draws it. We need to meet to discuss ideas. Do you want to sit and discuss ideas, Dad?”

“I have a few ideas of my own, but I’d like to see what you come up with first. And boys, the ring needs time to be made, so we need to get the design sorted as soon as possible.”

“When are you planning on giving it to him?” Jamie asked.

“The school break that’s coming up in next month. I know your Papa’s talked about going up to Scotland for the break, but I’ve something else in mind. I talked to your Aunt Morgana and Uncle Leon, and they are prepared to take you two skiing with them in the French Alps.”

Arthur was immediately assaulted by two very excited teenagers, hugging the stuffing out of him. Once he got them calmed down, he continued with the plans.

“While you two are off skiing, I’m going to take your Papa to Scotland – he’s the one who’s always wanted to go there. But we need to keep the planning a secret from Papa. So when your Aunt and Uncle come over and ‘ask’ if they can take you skiing, you have to act like it’s a surprise and then convince your Papa to let you go.”

“Begging Papa to let us go skiing instead of Scotland and bagpipes? No problem Dad.” Colin grinned.

“So you’re gonna propose to Pops in Scotland?” Jamie asked.

“That’s the plan. Now get working on the designs. I’d like to get the finished design to the jewelers by the end of the week.”

Arthur left the two boys huddled over Colin’s drawing pad.

 

Four days later, while Merlin was having a bath, Arthur and the boys were crowded around Colin’s desk, admiring the final design. Colin had come up with a brilliant concept, being sure to point out to Arthur all the aspects of the design that Jamie had contributed. Arthur knew that Merlin would love it. He hugged both boys and thanked them for their help before taking the design to hide in his briefcase. It would go to the jewelers first thing tomorrow.

 

That Sunday, when Morgana and Leon came for dinner, they broached the subject of taking the boys skiing for the school break. Both boys immediately bubbled over with excitement, hugging and kissing their aunt and uncle and begging their fathers to let them go.

“But we had planned on Scotland,” Merlin protested, a bit hurt.

“But Pops – skiing in the French Alps! And no bagpipes,” Jamie added as if that was a bonus point.

“You and Dad can still go to Scotland, Papa,” Colin reminded him. “You two haven’t been on holiday together for ages.”

“We won’t be any trouble,” Jamie promised all four adults.

“We’ll be good. We’ll listen to Aunty Morgs and Uncle Leon, and we’ll be careful on the slopes.”

“Please, Pops? Please?”

“It’s okay with me if it’s okay with you,” Arthur added, traitor to Merlin’s cause.

Merlin sighed in defeat and the boys bounced out of their chair, laughing and hugging him and thanking him.

Carefully, so Merlin would not see, Arthur winked at both boys.

 

* Author's Note: The finale is turning out longer than I thought it would, so it's a two-parter. Hang in there - it's gonna be wonderful.


	17. Finale - Part 2: For all Eternity

5:30am was not Merlin’s finest hour. He leaned slumped against the kitchen doorway, holding a cup of tea, watching as a wide-awake Arthur chatted with Morgana and Leon, who were here to pick up the boys for their ski trip. Beside Arthur, Jamie, equally as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as Arthur, was fairly bouncing with excitement. Both Arthur and Jamie were early risers – one for work and the other for early footie practice. But Merlin was definitely not an early morning person.

While normally calm, cool and collected, Merlin could be downright snarly if forced into too many way-too-early-to-be-conscious mornings. When the boys had been babies, Arthur was the one who woke up early and dealt with the babies while Merlin slept in as long as possible, only getting up to take over child-minding duties once Arthur had to get ready to go to work. 

As he stood holding up the doorway, Merlin decided that 5:30am was one of those way-too-early-to-be-conscious mornings.

Jamie walked over to the bottom of the stairs and bellowed up at his brother. “Col! Shake a leg already! We’re gonna be late!!”

Merlin winced at his son’s shout, then watched as his youngest son came stumbling down the stairs, dragging his suitcase behind him, allowing it to thump-thump-thump down each stair. Colin had the singular talent of getting out of bed, going to the bathroom, showering and making his way downstairs while only 20% awake. One memorable time, when Colin had taken far too long in the shower, Jamie had gone into the bathroom to find his younger brother leaning against the shower wall fast asleep on his feet. Colin never fully woke up until he was halfway through his breakfast.

As Colin reached the bottom of the stairs, Jamie took his suitcase. Colin stumbled over to Merlin, who held out the mug of cooling tea. Colin took it and drained it in one go. Once Merlin had learned his youngest son’s morning habits, it had only taken the once, when his son had grabbed a newly made hot mug of tea and scalded his mouth, for Merlin to learn to make Colin’s tea early enough that it had a chance to cool.

The boys hugged their fathers goodbye, wishing Arthur an enigmatic ‘good luck’ and telling a befuddled Merlin ‘say Yes’. 

The fathers stood together in the doorway, waving their son’s off on their holiday.

Closing the door, Arthur headed into the kitchen to clean up the tea fixings.

“Since we’re up anyway, Merlin, why don’t we get an early start for Scotland? We could stop along the way if we see any interesting places. I thought we could drive for a couple of hours before stopping for breakfast, unless you want to eat before we go?..........Merlin?” Arthur turned to where he thought his partner was standing listening to him, only to see an empty doorway.

“Merlin?”

Arthur went in search of his partner, only to make it as far as the livingroom, where he spotted Merlin curled up on the couch fast asleep. Well, what else did he expect, thought Arthur, grinning at Merlin. He grabbed the fleece throw on the back of the couch and spread it over Merlin’s slender form, tucking it in so that none of Merlin’s long limbs would poke out and make him cold. Then he went to make himself another cup of tea. He’d let Merlin sleep an extra hour – better that then a snarly Merlin trapped in a car all the way to Scotland.

An hour and a half later, when Merlin finally showed signs of waking up, Arthur was sitting in the armchair reading a book. He got up and put the kettle on again, then came back to watch Merlin waking up. 

It was one of the things Arthur loved about Merlin – the way he would awaken from sleep, and it had been far too long since Arthur had seen it. First Merlin shuffled around a bit, then a brief frown appeared, as if he didn’t want to leave his dreams. Then his face smoothed out and a small smile as he stretched some more, then the magical moment that always caused Arthur’s heart to stutter. Merlin’s eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks, fighting to open, then slowly lifted to reveal Merlin’s eyes, soft with sleep and silver in the morning light. The first expression in Merlin’s eyes when he opened them to see Arthur, was always an unguarded, open flood of love. Then Merlin smiled softly and say “Hi”.

Arthur squatted down beside the couch, a gentle smile on his face. “Hello, sleepy head. Feeling better now?”

Still lost in the blissfulness of a good sleep, Merlin nodded happily. “What time is it?”

“Time to go to Scotland.” Arthur stood and peeled the blanket off Merlin. “Up and at ‘em, the day is a’wastin’.”

Merlin groaned as he sat up. “It’s still early, isn’t it? You’re far too chipper. You only do that if it’s too early to be awake.”

“It’s getting on to the crack of noon, Merlin,” said Arthur, exaggerating greatly as it was really only 7:30am. “Go get ready, I’ll make you tea. We’ll breakfast on the road. The car’s all packed except for your bag.”

Merlin groaned again as Arthur helped him off the couch. That was way too much information for so early in the morning.

When Merlin came down 20 minutes later, he was awake and ready to go. He exchanged his suitcase for a much appreciated mug of tea and slice of peanut butter toast that Arthur handed him. Walking around the house munching toast and drinking his tea, he did a final check of the house while Arthur put his case in the car. Then they locked up the house and headed out on the drive up to Scotland. 

 

Hours later, when Arthur pulled off the main highway that led to Glasgow and onto a secondary road, Merlin looked at him in confusion.

“Glasgow is that way,” he pointed.

“We’re not going to Glasgow, at least not until Thursday.”

“But I made reservations.”

“And I changed them. We’ll do Glasgow and Edinburgh at the end of the week. For the next few days, I’ve got a surprise for you.”

“Where are we going?”

“I’ve booked a romantic cottage on the Scottish highlands. I thought you might like that for the start of our holidays.”

Merlin beamed at Arthur for remembering how much he loved the highlands.

 

*****

 

The cottage that Arthur booked was everything that Merlin’s romantic heart could want. A self-contained cottage located at the edge of a working farm, it boasted privacy, fabulous views over the loch, walking trails over the moors and surrounding woods, and the weather was promised to be clear and dry. 

The cottage itself was fully stocked with home cooked meals in the freezer, and was quaintly decorated to feel like a honeymoon cottage. Most significantly, it had only one bedroom. When Merlin had discovered that, his eyes had widened and he had looked at Arthur with trepidation.

“I thought this would be a special way to restart our marriage fully. A bit of a second honeymoon, if you will.” Arthur was just as nervous about Merlin’s reaction.

Looking at the beautifully made up king-size bed, Merlin swallowed, then smiled at Arthur and nodded.

They unpacked together, before going for a quick exploratory stroll to check out the lay of the land. Then working together, they prepared a delicious dinner from the farm-fresh produce in the fridge and one of the landlady’s homemade beef pies.

After dinner and the dishes were done, they sat down to watch one of the romantic comedies that the cottage had on DVD. 

Arthur held Merlin cuddled up beside him, but his mind wasn’t on the show. Even though this cottage was his idea, Arthur was growing more and more apprehensive as bedtime approached. When Merlin’s attention wandered from the movie and he began kissing and necking with him, Arthur made a conscious effort to relax. But the more they kissed, the tenser Arthur got. He couldn’t help it. Each kiss led them closer to the bedroom, closer to having sex, closer to Arthur disappointing Merlin yet again. Arthur kissed and caressed Merlin, fighting a losing battle with himself and only going so far before pulling back.

When Arthur pulled back yet again, Merlin bit back a groan of frustration and pulled out of the embrace. Opening his eyes, he saw Arthur looking absolutely miserable and his heart dropped. _He doesn’t want me _was his first thought, until Arthur opened his eyes and Merlin saw that they were dark with desire.__

Swallowing his fear, and with his heart beating a mile a minute with fear at being rejected, Merlin cupped Arthur’s face, looked into Arthur’s eyes and asked “Arthur, do you want me?”

Arthur nodded, looking completely dejected.

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

Arthur closed his eyes in agony and Merlin’s heart stopped.

“Yes” Arthur finally croaked out. “Yes.”

Merlin’s heart restarted. “Then what’s the matter?”

Arthur pulled out of Merlin’s hold and buried his face in his hands, elbows resting on his knees.

“Arthur? What’s the matter? You said you wanted me. I’m here. I want you too.”

Arthur groaned and scrubbed his face. “I can’t do this.”

“You can’t….? What do you mean you can’t?”

“ _This _, Merlin. I can’t do this. Take you to bed, have sex, I can’t do this.”__

“Why not?” Merlin whispered in fear. This was it – this would be the final rejection by Arthur.

“Because….”

“Because? Because what?”

Arthur hung his head and his voice was so low Merlin barely heard it. “Because I’ll disappoint you again.”

Merlin was confused. “No you won’t. It won’t be like the last time….will it?”

Arthur laughed rather desperately. “It won’t be like last time, but no matter what happens, it won’t be good, will it?”

“Why not?”

“Because Merlin, I can’t compete with…. _with him _.”__

Merlin’s mouth dropped open. “You’re not competing with him. There was never any contest.”

“Oh, you made _that _perfectly clear.”__

“Then why did you say…

“Because of what you said.”

“What? What did I say?”

“”You said………” Arthur gulped down the lump in his throat. “You said that he was the best sex you ever had. How do I compete with that?”

“You don’t compete. There is no competition. Yes, he was the best sex I ever had.” Arthur winced at Merlin’s words. “But that's all it was, just sex – like the sex I had with previous boyfriends before you. Just sex. And he was better than any of those others.

Merlin tilted Arthur’s face up so he could look him in the eye. 

“But Arthur, before- when we were good together, it was never just sex with us. Even the very first time we were together, it was never just sex. Whenever we were together, we made love, always, we made love. The last few times, yes it was just sex and it was horrible for me. I already told you that. But before, before when you still wanted me, still loved me, those times, it was always love, Arthur, we always made love – and making love is so much more, so much better than just sex. So there’s no competition. If you will let me make love to you, if you will make love to me – with me, then that is everything I’ve ever wanted.”

Merlin stroked Arthur’s hair, brushing the fringe off his face. “Let me love you, Arthur. And please, will you make love to me? I’ve wanted you for so long now. Only you. Let me make love to you, please?”

In response, Arthur pulled Merlin into his arms and kissed him like he was the most precious being on the planet and Merlin melted into his arms.

“Take me to bed, Arthur,” Merlin murmured into Arthur’s mouth.

Arthur stood up and pulled Merlin to his feet. “Let’s go to bed, my love.”

They turned off the lights and checked the door was locked, then walked arm in arm to the bedroom.

 

*****

 

Standing by the bed, Arthur kissed Merlin’s neck, nudging up to lick the sensitive shell of his ear.

“What do you want?” he whispered. “I’ll do whatever you want.”

Merlin pulled away from Arthur’s magic tongue.

“Anything?” he asked breathlessly.

“Anything you want.” Arthur lightly caressed Merlin’s jawline. “I want this to be good for you, amazing for you, I want you to remember _me _.” ‘Not him’ remained unspoken between them.__

Merlin bit his lip in thought, then smiled shyly. “I want to touch you.”

Arthur huffed an amused laugh. “That kind of the whole purpose here, Merlin.”

Merlin shook his head, a smile playing on his lips. “No, you don’t understand. I want to touch you – all of you. I want to lay you out naked on the bed and just be allowed to touch you. As much as I want. Anywhere I want. I want to learn you all over again.”

Arthur looked less sure of himself. “As long as I get to touch you in return.”

Merlin laughed. “Not while I’m touching you. But after, if you still can.”

Arthur looked faintly alarmed. Merlin kissed him lightly on the lips. “You said anything I want.”

Taking a leap of faith, Arthur nodded his agreement.

Merlin quickly stripped Arthur of his clothes, then asked him to lie on the bed, his eyes taking in every inch of Arthur’s well toned body. When Arthur was lying down, Merlin stripped off his clothes and knelt on the bed, resting on his heels, being careful not to touch Arthur’s body.

“Merlin?”

“You promised. Anything I wanted.”

Merlin picked up Arthur’s hand and started the seduction of his lover. Using only his hands and his mouth, Merlin made love to Arthur’s hand, licking his way up the palm, softly biting the mounds at the base of each finger. Then, one by one, he took each finger individually into his mouth and sucked on them. Arthur gasped at the sensation, eyes wide as he watched his partner. 

When Merlin had licked and kissed every inch of Arthur’s hand, he started working his way up Arthur’s forearm, kissing, licking, nibbling. He reached the soft crease of the elbow and sucked a lovebite into the skin, causing Arthur to groan. Then he kissed and nibbled and licked his way up the upper arm, nipping a particularly sharp bite on the underside of the arm. He heard Arthur hiss in a breath.

Lacing their fingers together and holding out Arthur’s arm, Merlin nosed his way into the armpit, breathing in Arthur’s musk.

“Merlin, no.” Arthur choked out, in embarrassed protest, struggling to pull away.

“You promised.” Merlin whispered back, lavishing kisses on this unexpectedly sensitive spot.

Arthur gritted his teeth and held still. Merlin licked and kissed his way down Arthur’s side, until he reached his waist, then kissed and nibbled his way up Arthur’s chest, pausing to suck his partner’s nipple. Arthur mewed in appreciation, arching his back. Merlin let go, then rubbed his face in the golden, downy chest hair. The whole time the only part of Merlin that touched Arthur was his lips, his face and his hands. Whenever Arthur tried to reach of him, he pulled away, leaving Arthur to clutch at the sheets instead.

When he reached Arthur’s collarbone, Merlin lifted himself away, carefully climbed over Arthur to his other side, being careful not to allow any part of his body to touch Arthurs. Then he picked up Arthur’s other hand and began the seduction all over again on that hand and arm, once again travelling up the arm, the armpit, down Arthur’s side and up his chest. This time, when Merlin reached the collarbone, he kissed his way down the centre of Arthur’s chest, down his stomach, pausing to swirl his tongue in Arthur’s bellybutton while Arthur sucked in his breath.

Then, oh so carefully, Merlin kissed his way around Arthur’s hips, licking and kissing every part of him but never touching his erection. Arthur was panting at this attention and whimpered when Merlin pulled away.

Merlin shuffled down to the foot of the bed and picked up Arthur’s right foot.

“No, Merlin!” Arthur reared up on his elbows. “I haven’t washed…”

“You promised.” Merlin looked steadily back at Arthur and then deliberately started sucking on his toes.

“Oh Christ,” Arthur moaned as he fell back on the bed and gave himself over to the pleasure of having his toes suckled, his cock jumping at the unexpected jolts of sensation shooting up his legs. 

When Merlin gently bit his instep, Arthur gasped, leg muscles tightening, his hips thrusting upward. Merlin worked his way up Arthur’s leg, kissing, licking, nibbling. When he reached the knee, he sucked a lovebite into the sensitive, soft skin behind the knee and Arthur keened in pleasure. Then Merlin chose the most sensitive route up Arthur’s inner thigh, nipping just that little bit harder so that Arthur’s leg jumped with each bite. He worked up way just high enough that he could reach out and lick a stripe across Arthur’s balls.

“Oh god, Merlin, please.” Arthur begged.

Merlin ignored him, instead returning to the foot of the bed and picking up Arthur’s other foot. He repeated the attention on Arthur’s toes, his instep, worked his way up the leg, sucked a lovebite behind the knee, then nipped his way up Arthur’s inner thigh. This time, when he reached Arthur’s balls, he gently sucked first one, then the other into his mouth. Arthur was a quivering, gasping bundle of want, begging and pleading with Merlin, unconsciously thrusting his hips up into nothing.

Merlin pulled completely away from Arthur, and then delivered the ultimate touch – with a feather-light stroke, he ran a single finger from the base of Arthur’s cock to the tip and Arthur careened over the edge, head thrown back, legs taunt, hands grasping the sheets, body arching, he exploded in orgasm.

Merlin kept stroking him with barely a touch throughout his release. When he finally started coming down, Merlin leaned over him, still not touching his body, and he softly kissed Arthur’s face, dropping kisses between his whispered words. _“My Arthur, my beautiful Arthur, my love, my heart, my life, my beautiful Arthur…” ___

Long moments later, when Arthur finally came trembling down to earth, completely spent, he knew he had never, ever felt so completely loved and cherished and treasured. And Merlin had done that with nothing but his lips and his hands. Arthur slowly opened his eyes to see his partner smiling tenderly down at him. He reached up shakily to pull Merlin down into a tender kiss of thanks.

“Where did you learn to do that?” he whispered.

Merlin laughed softly against his lips. “From you. You used to love me touching you, but you’ve never let me touch so much of you before, and for so long. I was hoping you’d let me go all the way this time, and you did.” Merlin kissed him again. “Was it good for you, my Arthur?”

“Christ, Merlin,” Arthur’s body shivered in remembrance. “I feel like I’ve just overdosed.”

Merlin snickered and kissed him again, finally settling his body down beside Arthur’s. And that’s when Arthur belated realized that Merlin was still hard, that he hadn’t had his release.

With a sudden surge of energy born of love for this amazing man, and with a squawk of surprise from Merlin, Arthur flipped them over so that he was looming over Merlin.

“Your turn,” Arthur smiled down at him. “What you love the most.”

Then it was his turn and Arthur kissed his way down Merlin’s chest and stomach, stopping to swirl his tongue in Merlin’s bellybutton. Arthur reached to gently cup Merlin’s balls, his thumb and forefinger circling the base of Merlin’s erection. He heard Merlin mewing in realization of what was going to happen, and felt Merlin’s long slender fingers threading into his hair. 

Merlin absolutely loved being sucked off by Arthur. He claimed that looking down, and seeing Arthur’s blonde hair, his beautiful face and lush lips locked around him sent him to another level of ecstasy. Early in their relationship, before the boys came along, Arthur used to take great delight in servicing Merlin in the most unexpected places – restaurant and club bathrooms, up against a tree while walking trails, pulled over in the car at the far end of a parking lot, and once, in a department store, behind some furniture, while the floorwalker was busy with another customer. Afterwards, Merlin always had a bemused, slightly stunned expression and had trouble walking a straight line without Arthur’s supporting arm around him. Merlin always repaid him by shagging him senseless when they got home. 

It had been so long since Arthur had serviced Merlin this way that he couldn’t remember the last time he had done it. Determined to make this experience as memorable as what Merlin had done to him, Arthur slowly licked a stripe up Merlin’s length and he heard Merlin gasp.

Arthur slowly, and with great attention to detail, made love to Merlin’s cock. He licked and gently nibbled, scraped his teeth up along the length then kissed his way back down. He lapped at the head, tongue teasing the leaking slit, and breathed hot breaths followed by cool blowing that had Merlin squirming and whimpering. All the while, his finger and thumb held firmly to the base of Merlin’s cock, pressing to contain him. The one thing Arthur held off doing was encompassing Merlin’s cock in his mouth – not yet, not yet. 

Arthur nudged Merlin’s balls, then carefully, tenderly took one ball into his mouth. He heard Merlin moan and felt his fingers tighten in his hair. Arthur caressed the ball with his tongue before releasing it and taking the other one in his mouth. When that was done, he nosed his way past the balls and wetly licked the extremely sensitive strip just behind the balls. He head Merlin swear distractedly, then Arthur did the one thing he knew completely set Merlin off, he nipped at that sensitive skin and Merlin jerked out of reach, hips arched so high off the bed Arthur could slide his arm underneath Merlin’s ass.

Arthur reached up and pressed Merlin’s hips back down onto the bed, kissing his way into the crevice where Merlin’s legs joined and Merlin splayed his legs out further to allow Arthur more access. Arthur sucked a love bite into the left crevice and Merlin cried out in need. Then he did the same to the right side and Merlin began begging.

“Please, Arthur…...god, please…..please….”

Merlin writhed on the bed and Arthur had to grab his hips firmly to keep him still.

“Please….please…..please….please….”

Arthur loved Merlin like this, completely at his mercy and trusting implicitly in his touch. 

“Not yet, love, not yet.”

Arthur licked his way up Merlin’s cock then looked up at him. Merlin was staring back at him, eyes heavy-lidded and completely blown, mouth open and lips slick, the picture of total wanton need. Eyes locked with Merlin’s, Arthur opened his mouth and slowly, so slowly, slid his lips over the head of Merlin’s cock. Merlin’s eyes slid closed and his head fell back and he gave himself over to the sensation of Arthur’s mouth as he swallowed Merlin’s length. When he had taken as much as he could, Arthur released the pressure of his finger and thumb and began to suck hard on Merlin’s cock.

It didn’t take long. With a cry of utter abandonment, Merlin arched into Arthur’s mouth and came down his throat, fingers clutching Arthur’s head to hold him in place, Arthur’s name falling repeatedly from Merlin’s lips.

Arthur held him in his mouth until he softened, then gently licked him clean, while Merlin’s panting breath calmed back to normal.

Arthur shuffled back up the bed and pulled Merlin into his arms, holding him safe while he came down fully from his high. He felt Merlin’s smile against his neck, where Merlin had his head buried.

Then Merlin propped himself up on one elbow and kissed Arthur tenderly.

“That’s the difference. That’s making love and it’s only ever with you. Deliciously you.”

 

They spent the rest of the night holding each other, waking every few hours to make love all over again.

 

*****

 

Over the next few days, Arthur and Merlin made love frequently and in many different ways, making up for all the wasted time over the last few years. 

Merlin’s favourite memory was Arthur coming while convulsed with laughter, while beneath him, Merlin squirmed, cursing him both inventively and heatedly for the ridiculous position he was in.

Arthur’s favourite memory was from a walk in the woods, with Merlin backed up to a tree, shirt open, the leafy branches tracing his skin while Arthur was on his knees pleasuring him. Just as Merlin came, the sun sent a shaft of sunlight through the trees and across Merlin’s face as he arched up in orgasm, head thrown back hedonistically, Arthur’s name falling from his lips. Arthur looked up at him and swore that just for the briefest moment, Merlin’s eyes had glowed gold between his heavy lashes.

 

****

 

One memorable morning, when Merlin had woken him up with an excellent mutual hand job, Arthur refused to let Merlin pull away to clean up. Instead, Arthur flipped Merlin over and started kissing him. 

With a sparkle in his eye that was swiftly hidden by lowered lashes, Arthur told Merlin, between dropped kisses, just how much he loved him.

“I – _(kiss on the lips) _– love¬- _(kiss on the cheek) _– you – _(kiss on the nose) _– Merlin – _(kiss on the eye) _– Alfonso – _(firm kiss on the lips to stop Merlin’s squawk of protest) _– Emrys.”__________

Merlin struggled to free himself from Arthur’s laughing lips.

“You promised!” he gasped. “You promised never, ever to say that name ever again!”

Arthur was grinning at him now. Arthur had only found out Merlin’s middle name when they signed the papers to get married. He had promised, upon pain of Merlin not going through with the wedding, to never say his middle name again once the wedding ceremony was over. For the ceremony, Arthur had convinced the minister to drop his voice to a whisper when saying that one name, and Arthur had done the same, much to Merlin’s great relief that none of the guest would hear it.

“Merlin Alfonso Emrys, my darling Merlin Alfonso Emrys.”

“Gaahhh – stop saying that name!”

“What name? Alfonso?” Arthur teased

“Yes, dammit. You promised you would never use that name. It’s a horrid, embarrassing name.”

Arthur hitched himself up on one elbow, one hand stroking Merlin’s face.

“But my darling Alfonso, I think it’s wonderfully romantic that your mum named you after the castle in which you were conceived. King Alfonso the First of Portugal and the castle he presented to his bride as a wedding present.”

Merlin glared up at Arthur. “I’m named after a bloody wizard and a Portuguese king! Not even a decently named king like Arthur. There are hundreds of kings names, but she had to pick Alfonso!”

“It’s not the king, my love, it’s the memory of your conception that’s so romantic.”

“Yes, well, if you don’t think that particular baggage isn’t enough to scar a person! I’m the walking embodiment of my mother’s sex life!”

Arthur burst out laughing and Merlin started beating him on his chest. The playful tussle morphed into Arthur holding Merlin down and kissing his way down Merlin’s neck while Merlin arched up under him, head thrown back to further expose his neck. Things were just starting to get interesting again when Arthur moved to pull away from Merlin and the sticky mess between them made itself known.

Wrinkling his nose and looking down at the mess, Arthur sat up and pulled Merlin up.

“Come on, my mother-in-law’s love child, we need a shower.”

Merlin clamped his hand over Arthur’s mouth and glared menacingly into Arthur’s eyes. “If you ever, ever want sex again in your life, Pendragon, you will never again refer to my mother’s sex life especially when you are trying to engage in your own sexual activities! Got it?”

Arthur nodded solemnly, but his eyes twinkled with laughter. Merlin started to pull his hand away, then clamped it back. 

“And my middle name. It shall never be spoken of again.”

Arthur shook his head. Merlin frowned in confusion.

“No you’ll never speak of it again or no you don’t agree to never speak of it again.”

“Mrumphfrufphmf” Arthur muttered from behind Merlin’s hand.

“What?” Merlin dropped his hand.

“I agree to never, ever mention the revered name of Alfonso again, nor make reference to what was obviously one hell of a love tryst to have conceived both you and the name Alfonso.”

Merlin roared in indignation, but Arthur was fast, scrambling off the bed laughing and sprinting to the bathroom with Merlin in hot pursuit.

 

****

 

On their last night at the cottage, Arthur and Merlin took a moonlit stroll after dinner. Arthur knew this was the right moment.

It was the perfect spot. A full moon reflected on the waters of the lake, a soft breeze adding a gentle ripple to the water. Arthur looked at Merlin walking beside him, and his breath caught at the shear ethereal beauty of this wonderful man. Merlin looked up at the moon and Arthur saw it reflected in his eyes, turning them to liquid silver. This was the perfect moment. 

Arthur slowed their walk until they were standing still, then he dropped to one knee. But before he could say anything, Merlin groaned and shook his head.

“Arthur, no. I can’t do this.”

Arthur’s jaw dropped and his heart stopped. “What do you mean ‘no’?”

“Can’t we just appreciate this moment, how beautiful it is here?” Merlin reached down to pull Arthur up. “Let’s just have a romantic moment, okay?”

“I’m trying to have a romantic moment.”

Merlin kissed him. “I love you, my Arthur. But I need a rest. So let’s just be romantic and cuddle.”

Arthur was lost. “What are you talking about? Just cuddle?”

Merlin was trying to be delicate. “Look at the water, it’s so lovely here. Let’s take a break and just be romantic for a little while.”

“Take a break? Merlin, what the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about romance, dammit.” Merlin was starting to lose his patience.

“Well I’m trying to be romantic!”

“No you’re not, you’re trying to turn this lovely moment into another sex tryst!”

“Sex tryst??!! No I’m not, I was just going to…”

“I know what you were going to do! And I can’t do it, okay? We have shagged more in the last few days then we have in the last few years, and I’m sorry, I love you more than you can ever know, but I just can’t do this right now.”

“Can’t do what?”

“Another blowjob. I can’t, okay. I physically can’t. I’m worn out, so despite your best efforts, there is no way in hell¬-”

‘I was not going to give you a blowjob!” Arthur roared in frustration.

“Yes, you bloody well were. You dropped to your knees and-”

“I dropped to one knee – one knee Merlin! I wasn’t going for a bloody blowjob, I was bloody well trying to propose!”

“Well that’s a hell of a….wait….what?....propose???”

Arthur sighed in frustration, running a hand through his hair. “Yes, Merlin, propose. I was trying to propose to you.”

“But…but we’re already married.”

“I know that! I was trying to make a grand romantic gesture and – oh hell,” Arthur grabbed Merlin and dragged him over to a large boulder. “Sit there and shut up.”

Merlin perched on the boulder.

“Don’t say another word until I finish talking, okay?” Arthur glared at him and Merlin nodded.

Getting down on one knee, Arthur took a deep calming breath and started again.

“Merlin, although you can be as infuriating as hell..”

“Oi!”

“Not another word, you promised! _Although you can be as infuriating as hell _, you are the love of my life. You have been since the moment I met you. And although I forgot that for far too long, and almost lost you because of it, I know that I can’t possibly exist without you. You complete me. You make me whole. And I can’t imagine loving anyone else – ever, for the rest of my life. I want to be with you, in this world and the next. If, when we die, all we have is eternity, then I want to spend that eternity with you. If we are instead reborn – then I will find you in the next life and make you mine all over again. I love you, Merlin, and I want this to be the start of the rest of our life together.”__

Arthur pulled out the ring box and opened it. “Merlin Alphonso Emrys Pendragon, will you spend the rest of your life with me and will you let me love you from here until eternity?”

Merlin flung himself into Arthur’s arms, dropping to his knees beside his husband. He kissed Arthur’s face repeatedly, saying over and over, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Arthur laughed and pulled back. “You haven’t said yes, yet.”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.” Each yes was punctuated with a kiss. “Arthur, that was the most beautiful proposal. I’m sorry I almost ruined it. I love you.” Merlin kissed him properly then and the two forgot themselves in the kiss. 

When the kiss ended, Merlin smiled his shy smile. “You really are romantic, my Arthur.”

“Merlin, I do actually have a ring for you.”

“The ring!” Merlin sat back on his heels and Arthur once again held out the open ring box. He took the ring out of the box and placed it on Merlin’s finger. Merlin gasped when he saw the intricate design.

“Arthur, this ring…”

“Do you like it?”

“It’s beautiful.”

“The boys designed it for you.”

At Merlin’s bewildered look, Arthur took his hand and explained.

“This ring is a symbol of our life together. The golden dragon stands for our last name, Pendragon. It circles around your finger and swallows it’s tail to symbolize eternity or infinity – a never-ending love. In one claw it holds an orb – if you look closely, you’ll see it’s actually a football, symbolizing Jamie. In it’s other claw it hold a scepter, which is actually a paintbrush, symbolizing Colin. The oak leaves that the dragon winds in and out of, are signs of strength and permanence, symbolizing the fact that we will always be here for you, always love you. The two outer circles, the bottom gold one means your original wedding band – the foundation of our marriage, the top platinum one symbolizes a new beginning. The three of us worked on the design together and Colin drew it up.”

Arthur looked up from the ring and saw that Merlin’s cheeks were wet with silent tears. He reached up and brushed the tears away.

“Merlin?”

Merlin continued to look at the ring. “You did this for me? The three of you?”

“We never again want you to forget how very much you are loved.”

Merlin looked up at his partner. “And you Arthur?”

Arthur smiled and twisted the ring around so the dragon was facing out. “The diamond, where the dragon’s heart is, that’s me. You are the light in my heart, Merlin.”

Merlin put his arms around his lover and hugged him tightly. “Thank you my love.”

“Merlin.”

“Yes?”

“Do you think we can stand up now? My knees are killing me.”

 

******

 

Arthur and Merlin returned home the day before the boys were due back from their skiing trip. Once home, their priority was moving Arthur back into the master bedroom. Then they christened the bed while they still had the privacy to be as noisy as they wanted. Then they settled into the mundane chores that needed to be done – unpacking and laundry, before the boys returned with their loads.

They were snuggled on the couch in the living room, waiting for Morgana and Leon to deliver their son’s home to their fully reunited parents, when they heard a horn beep and a car pulling into their driveway. Smiling in anticipation at seeing their sons, they answered the door together.

Standing in the open front door, Arthur turned his head and buried another kiss in Merlin’s hair. His arm tightened around Merlin’s shoulder. Beside him, Merlin leaned into the caress, his arm around Arthur’s waist. 

As soon as the car stopped, Jamie jumped out and ran around the car to the other door. Colin threw the door open, then Jamie turned and bent down. Colin climbed on his back, and the two sons headed up the walkway, Colin riding piggyback on Jamie, waving his crutches and yelling “Faster, faster noble steed!” On his right leg, Colin sported a gleaming white plaster cast from foot to knee.

The two fathers stood open mouthed, staring at the sight.

“Move guys,” Jamie grunted as he shouldered his way past his fathers, bearing his burden. He walked into the living room, backed up to the couch and unceremoniously dumped his younger brother.

“Thank you noble steed, you may now go feed and water yourself!” Colin declared regally.

“What the hell happened?” Arthur asked.

“Colin! My god, are you all right?” Merlin was right on his tail.

Colin gave them a brilliant grin. “Tip top and-“

“- and high as a kite on pain killers,” finished Jamie.

The two fathers looked at their oldest son in bewilderment.

“What happened to him?”

“Relax, Arthur. It’s not that serious.” Morgana said, entering the living room.

“He’s wearing a cast!” exploded Merlin.

“Slight broken ankle, nothing that won’t heal in a month or two,” Morgana waved away the seriousness of the injury.

“Look Dad! I’ve got a cast!” Colin held up his injured leg and gave them all another idiotic grin. “I’m gonna paint all kinds of things on it. I might paint the Mona Lisa right….here….”

Jamie grinned down at his brother. “He’s been going on like that the whole trip home. Loopy as all get-out.”

“….maybe the Sistine Chapel across my foot…”

“Why is my son jacked up on painkillers?” Arthur demanded of his sister.

“…..modern art on the back, maybe Banksy…”

“They’re doctor prescribed, so calm down, Arthur. The doctor prescribed them for the plane ride home. Only your son here, is a total lightweight and the recommended dosage did this to him.” 

“Bet he’s a cheap drunk too,” snickered Jamie.

Colin lay back against the cushions and grinned maniacally at them all. “Purple! I need purple! Papa will you buy me purple?”

Merlin squatted down beside the couch, assuring his son he’d buy him purple and trying to assess his physical state.

“Arthur, I need to talk to you.” Morgana grabbed Arthur’s sweater and pulled him into the hallway.

“Morgana, what the hell…”

“Your son’s fine, he’s fine. But when we pulled up – you and Merlin. You had your arm around him….”

Arthur’s face flamed bright red and he dropped his head, one arm reaching up to scratch the back of his head. “Yeah. We…um… we’re back together.”

Morgana gave a most un-Morgana like squeal of delight and flung her arms around her brother, kissing him all over his face. “I… am…. so… happy…. for you… Panda… bear,” she interspaced with the kisses.

“Gerr-off Woman!” Arthur bellowed as he struggled out of her embrace.

Turning, Morgana made a beeline for Merlin, who was failing to have an intelligent conversation with his son. 

“…..Art Nouveau, Papa….I can paint it all Art Nouveau!”

Coming up behind Merlin, Morgana bent down and threw her arms around him – unfortunately catching him around the throat and pulling him off balance. 

Merlin flew backwards, straight into Morgana’s legs, knocking her off balance. She flew backwards, still with her death grip on Merlin’s neck, straight into Arthur, who was unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time. Arthur flew backwards, off balance and the three of them went sprawling in a tangle of limbs, startled cries and cussing.

Jamie and Colin laughed hysterically at the sight of the parents flailing to find their limbs and untangle themselves.

Leon entered the house carrying the boys’ luggage. He stopped short at the sight of his wife lying in the middle of an Arthur and Merlin sandwich, cursing like a sailor.

“Right then,” said Leon, dropping the bags. “I’ll make tea, shall I?”

 

*** Author's Note: The way Merlin made love to Arthur - from personal experience I can tell you that it really works - but your partner has to be extremely trusting of you. Enjoy.


End file.
